Monday, September 15, 2008

Pleasure to meet you. Will you marry me?

I'm all for gay marriage - or arbor marriage. I don't give a fuck. In a free country, you should be free to do whatever the fuck you want as long as you don't infringe on the rights of others. Seeing as how my marrying a woman didn't exactly impede anyone else's progress towards ANYTHING, I'm assuming it wouldn't matter to gulf coast that I got married up here in Chicago, even to a tree. But whatever. I know that wasn't this asshole's point, but it's mine.

Anyway, what's up with fools who want to fall in love so badly that they jump? From really high places. Like out of a plane, type of high place. I had my date this weekend, and it was lovely - it was a first date with all of the typical nuances of a first date with a few exceptions - like the fact that I stayed there with him all weekend. But anyway.

My real point is that he is totally looking for some ethereal, fairy tale love story - and I'm not the first to encounter someone like this. Don't get me wrong, I think it's sweet and in it's purest form just a whole lot of romance. But don't talk to me about all this shit throughout our first date. Don't tell me how if we went all the way, it would be too soon and that there's plenty of time for all that.

First - I never said anything about all the way. Obviously, aggression isn't your thing - my bayd. But I'm the type to back you up against the way and disrobe you before you even know I'm in the mood. And quite frankly, I need me someone who can do the same. Now, there's a time and place for all the long, drawn out love sessions - but seriously? NOW?!? I mean, I just only found out your real age like a few hours ago.

Yuh, yuh, yuh - some of you will say that if that was true I shouldn't be anywhere NEAR this arena. You go ahead and wait on the third date, or whatever. I'm not mad at you. Just don't look at me like I'm in the minority (AGAIN) with this one.

So, fine - I play along - I really do like his company. But the occasional demand to do things a certain way went from idisyncratic to quite the harmFUL habit. I wish I could list out the things he said I needed to do differently ... everything from my driving (nigga, if you don't like it put yourself out and jog. and be sure to keep up) to the way that I kiss. "I'm a have to teach you how to kiss me," he said.

WHAT?!?! I promise you JACK was in rare form. I was nice all weekend. I mean, he made that comment and all I could think about is the fact that he told me he's a great kisser and come to find out the mother fucker barely opens his mouth and his tongue lazy. So, whatever - I put up with it, all in the name of getting to know this nigga, and he wants to hand out instructions. Like he's a Hilti drill come right out the box. Funny as hell - especially from the nigga who told me several hours earlier that I'm passionate and he can tell from my kiss.

Ok, wait - wait - wait. Make up your goddamn mind. Either there's passion in here and you're all about slow, "romantical," passionate sessions ... or I needed lessons to figure out how to kiss you. My head spun.

At any rate, we missed each other on SO many levels. So, last night, I asked him if he was set in his ways.

"a little, yuh."

"a LOT"

*he nods*

I proceed to explain to him how I got this impression. And he not only acknowledges it but explains that since we're not in a committeed relationship, he doesn't see the need to compromise.

Ok, bitch - and I no longer see the need to spare your feelings, either.

And I proceeded to tell him, in great detail, about himself. And he didn't like it. Laying there side by side on the bed, I politely let him know why he came across as selfish and why everyone he tries to date "ends up leaving within a week" (his words).

He didn't want to have the conversation anymore. It's like I'm dogging him, he said.

You think so?

hmmm. weird.

I texted him when I got home - he said he really learned a lot this weekend. I sure the hell hope so.

Yuh - like, I'm not the one. "I got a engineering degree - moved with a company to DC - moved with them again to Indianapolis - just took a job in Chicago - manage to own a home and rent an apartment and take care of my kids and pay all my bills on time. By all accounts, I'm pretty successful. I'm not haughty with it, or boastful - but rest assured I don't need anyone to tell me how to do things. I got this." (the quotes because, as nice as I could, this is what I said to him last night.)

10 bucks says he sky dives with the next mother fucker too .... or with a tree.


The Jaded NYer said...

what's with dudes pushing that FFWD buttons these days?? I mean, do they know something we don't know?

Is the world ending and those without partners are doomed to burn in hell for all eternity?

can someone let me in on the secret? 'cause if that's the case, Jack, we need to hurry up and make this shit legit!! lol

JACK said...

It's like playing motown love songs on 33 vinyl at 45 speed.

Like watching a DVD on 4x speed

Like riding in a red wagon strapped to the bumper of a 1962 'vette driving 82 mph down a gravel road

Like going kite surfing during a hurricane ...

T. R Xands said...

Well that sounded like...failure.

I remember my first bf tried to tell me how to do everything to/with him. EVERYTHING. I couldn't even hold his hand right. I'm the goddamn Honor student, you don't tell ME shit! And he was talking about having kids & getting married and providing for me and I'm like "Nigga you are 15." What, was he anticipating to die at 20? I wish it were so, but anyways...

And that's how I became straight for a month *blink*

JACK said...

Oh that it was only but for a month, T-Rex. I did it for 7 years. Lawd, what was i thinking ....

But anyway - right, tell me how to do shit. That's a SURE fire way to make me fall for you. Because I *love* it when it's all about you, and when you never ask hwo it is I want it done, or how I want something to go. That's sexy.

PhlyyGirl said...

Jack, Jack, darling Jack.
Whatever gave you the impression that it was ever about you?!?!
Look at it this way, at least now you know that he's an overbearing, idealistic control freak before you get to deep. Remember that bridge I told you about? Now you can just push him off instead of having to hold his hand with him on the way down.
See? Bright side.

Super Dave Van Buren said...

I don't think a trees minds how fast you move. They grow pretty slow so if you want want go fast I would think that's a nice change of pace for them

JACK said...

phlyy - yes, yes ... I totally see it now. I'll even wave as he plunges to the water line.

dave - lol, you are a mess.

yet another black guy said...


JACK said...

OUCH, nuthin - come tell me what to do and how to do and see what happens ... lol