Monday, March 29, 2010

Damn Drag Queens

Memphis Bitches Don't Play

Chicago Bitches Don't Neither

(For the record, I know someone who rides the Red line to that Jarvis stop. Mhmm - I'm looking at you ...)

And for your viewing pleasure ...

Friday, March 26, 2010

Interesting Things

I had to write down three things I like about myself because Jaded's blog said to - and I realized that I really like my gray hair. I really do. It's been there for a while and I am quite attached to it. *grin*

I got an email out of the blue at work from an old college friend. She and I were mad tight back in the day - she didn't make it, leaving after Sophomore year, and I went on to graduate. We lost touch, after trying half-heartedly not to, and now she's emailed me. We're planning on chatting tomorrow. Should be a good time catching up.

Watched "Cloudy with a chance of meatballs" with the kids tonight - it was cute, but I didn't really like it all that much. However, there's this Black cop in the movie whose dad tells him he love him and the kid says, "Dad, you tell me you love me ALL the time!" as excitedly as he can. My kids, almost simultaneously, say to me - you do, too daddy! That made my night.

I've lost 4 pounds this week. Went to the gym 5 times in 7 days, and have been watching what I eat, cutting out all that late night snacking crap. A good friend motivated me and I think it's sticking this time. (And when I say motivated, I mean he worked me out two days in a row and it hurt to move for the whole fucking week)

My daughter forgot her homework at school - and I realized that I needed to have her mother call other parents and find out what the homework was. It's a big project to do internet research and I don't live in their school district and don't know any of the other parents. Anyway, the child was mortified at having to tell her mom that she left her folder at school because "mom doesn't like it when I leave my homework at school."

It was all good until she asked me to wait and not tell mom until we saw if the teacher responded to the email I sent. At that point, the dynamic changed - I told her that mommy and daddy don't keep secrets and that we had to really talk about what was the right thing to do. 35 minutes and lots of tears later - she calls her mom and tells her. It all worked out ok - and baby girl ended up telling me "I feel better"

Why one of my friends was over here with her 3 year old and left him with me while she ran home for a bit ... and that was 3+ hours ago?!? She just called and said she's on her way. I guess I should go into the other room now. I just needed some adult time - it's been me and three kids for THREE HOURS! lol

Thursday, March 25, 2010

No really does mean .... NO

Last week I got this text message from a dude:

"I don't know what I did wrong, but I can't do anything about it if you're not communicating with me."

I had not spoken to him in a while, but the last time we had spoken, he was trying to get me to phone bone or have text sex or so whatever. Clearly, dude has gone off the deep end, since I did already CLEARLY explained that I was not doing casual sex and that I wasn't interested in this nonsense. So, I ended that interaction abruptly and a while later I get a text pic of his finale.

I've not acknowledged him at all since. No responses to IM's, to texts, to his phone calls. And - yes, I'm clear that he has a mini-obsession thing going on, but it's not my problem. It really isn't. When I tell the mutha fucka that I'm not interested in casual sex and that that phase is truly behind me ... that I really am not looking for JUST sex, so casual sex is just not really an option because that's all casual sex is (it's JUST sex) ... the mutha fucker should NOT be talking about, "that just made you so much hotter."

He's obviously not listening to me. That, or he thinks he's God's gift to gay men and that he can wear me down. And if it's the latter, then he CLEARLY doesn't know me. When I done made up my mind, it's set. Like concrete.

Today I get a text from this other brutha - a kid, really. A decade my junior and trying to holla for a couple of years now. Whatever, he comes out of the woodworks when it's convenient for him ... we exchange niceties and then he disappears again. Today?

"I'm just bored in class. What's new?"

"Fool, pay attention!"

"I usually do - but today is boring"

"Bad Student!"

"You should punish me :-)"

"How do you think I should go about doing THAT?"

"You can figure that our - I know yr a freak"

"Actually, I'm not - it's 3+ months since I took that vow of celibacy"

"But why? You're a hot boi"

WTF! When I say that I'm not doing the casual sex bit ... the response should not be a reference to how hot you think I am, dammit! I don't give a got damn - ok? Listen closely - NOOOTTTT DOOOOIIIINNNNNGGGG IIIIITTTTTTTT

Acceptable responses include, but are not limited to:

  • "oh, cool - I didn't know"
  • "Well, go on witcha bad self"
  • "Peace"
  • "How long has it been? That's great"
  • "For real?! YOU?!? LOL" (cuz I can take a joke - but eventually, one of the aforementioned acceptable responses must follow)
Seriously, folks - if we're not dating, we're not fucking. (period)


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Second Best Dad

My Daughter (unprompted): Daddy, you know what? You're the second best dad in the whole wide world!

JACK: Is that right?

My Daughter: Yes - because God is the best daddy - and then YOU!

That is all.

Happy to play second fiddle to the Lord,


Friday, March 19, 2010

I know stupid when I see it

It's been a long time since JACK's Camera made an appearance around these parts and I bet you thought JACK had actually put his camera away, stopped taking pictures of things and people and perhaps he had actually stopped invading people's privacy by not only taking pictures of them without their permission, but posting them on the internets for everyone under the sun, moon and clouds to see. But I didn't. Instead, I've been collecting

Take I

I think it was those Japanese food places at the mall food courts that started this trend by shoving Bourbon Chicken in your face in those little white cups for you to sample and come back fiendishly looking to make a buy. But look closely here:

THIS bitch wants you to sample cat food.
(and, no, this wasn't Petsmart!)

Take II
After one of my hookups some time ago (it was Fall of 08, I think!), I left his apartment all wobbly in the legs because, let me tell ya, it was GOOD. And there on the corner ... was THIS place:

Totally stupid name, but this one made my day.
(Ok, actually, the dude did - but this was close second. Well, second.)

Take III
Before my current job moved, and when I was smoking, this was where I would go for my smoke breaks. It was easy to just chill in the parking garage because it's outdoors and there's a roof! Bonus.

But clearly if you're a jumper, they want you to be at least on the third floor. I think there's maybe liability if you survive the fall.

Take IV
It was really hot that day.

But, seriously? No one at the bank can get this shit right? It's NUMBERS, dammit!

Take V
Chicago weather can toy with the extremes.


Take VI

Now, I really appreciate construction signs. I really do. The last thing I want to do is be driving along, minding my own business and then have some kids daddy land on my windshield because I didn't know he was going to be there around the bend holding a SLOW sign.

But who the FUCK put this shit up? I mean, exactly what? Huh? Where?! Look, just tell me who the fuck did this - because THAT mother fucker I wanna run over.


New York City. Circa a few months ago. I'm driving my rental when suddenly something tells me that may I really SHOULD have purchased that "walk away" insurance from Avis.

No, but really - aren't there schools where you practice on a closed course to get a CDL? I didn't even know thes signs CAME this big. I wonder if they make them big enough for airliners.


Sometimes, however, I feel like stupidity is there to remind me that things could be oh so much worse for me. Like, fine - I'm single, I'm stressed a lot, I usually always tired from running so hard all the time ... but, I don't do shit like this

Clearly, there are no gay men on THIS marketing team.
(ooorrrr maYYYYbe there ARE - and this might just be sheer brilliance! Cuz I want one now)


Nigga, PLEASE get your big, dumb black ass out of the Walmart shopping cart and wait in line properly like the rest of us. DAMN!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Please, oh please, oh please, oh PLEASE

It looks like this thing will eventually become reality. I do love Chicago, the big city feel and the hustle and bustle and the big buildings and the "I'm so alive" feeling. But, being here and not LIVING here is a pain in the dick. I mean, I can't tell you how much money I shell out for the privilege of owning a house in Indianapolis and renting a room in Chicago and driving back and forth between the two.

Indianapolis is pretty in its own right, and although I don't particularly like it there as much as I like it in Chicago - that's where my babies are and I need to come on back home.

I have been sending out resumes for several weeks now, a few of them just yesterday. It looks good that I'll get an interview with my alma mater (I'm listed as "interviewing" in my candidate profile, even though they haven't called me) and just today I received two phone calls for two other positions. I'm praying I get at least one job offer out of this and I'm posting to ask my blog family to hope, pray, meditate or whatever it is you happen to do ... and hope, pray, meditate or whatever my way there.

Keeping my fingers crossed,


Sunday, March 14, 2010

My Baby Black As Hell

So, there we are - watching the Disney Channel. It's That's So Raven. In this episode, Raven has a vision she's dancing with some hot dude at the prom. So, she turns down everyone who asks her for being "not him."

Anyway, it turns out that she's all dressed up and still has no date - so her father dresses up in a tuxedo and offers to take her. She turns him down saying she just needs to suck it up and go with her friends.

(She gets stuck in the moon roof of the limo - a blast from the past ex shows up - they dance in the gas station parking lot and blah blah blah)

So, afterwards, I say to my 8 YEAR OLD daughter:

"You're gonna have ME take you to your prom, right? Cuz you're my baby girl"

She responds, without giving it so much as a thought, saying "nobody said you could ruin my teenage years."

I *promise* you that's her momma right there ... right the fuck thurrr, that's her mommma!!

(I mean I didn't expect a yes - but I didn't expect a "get the fuck out my face, daddy," neither)

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

My New Idol

Monday, March 8, 2010

Momma don't know best

Momma Don't Change
It happened one day when I was talking to a friend of mine about random guy things. I was married then and he and his girlfriend were visiting - I lay on the couch and he lay on the floor and we spoke into the dark. He asked about my mother and I got to talking when these words spewed out of my mouth, "I love my mother, but I don't particularly like her." I stunned myself - and was grateful to find out that as I spoke those words, my friend drifted off to sleep, having never heard me say them - but I couldn't forget then and it fucked with my head so much that I went to see a counselor about it. Did I really not like momma?

You might think I'm on some bullshit when I say, quite candidly and rather smugly, that my mother is off her fuckin' rocker. The bitch will completely and totally point at me and laugh her ass off, and growing up she did that a lot. She's got bats in her belfry for real - she initiates gossip about me throughout the family as if I'm some off-the-street trashy nigga.

She's just plain 'ole certifiable. But I'm not on some rant about how annoyed I am at her - for I've really come to accept that she is who she is and that despite how I feel about it she's going to continue being who she is. If nothing else, those counseling sessions helped me realize that I can't change her and her gossipy ways and that the only thing I could change was me - so I accepted that my momma just crazy, ya' - crazy. I don't like the crazy, but I do love her crazy ass.

Momma Don't want no Gay
I've toyed with the idea of coming out to her, but I realize that every time we broach the subject, she shuts down. She is in some serious denial. But she knows - she just doesn't WANT me to be gay - so if I don't admit it, then it's not so - but she knows. (This the crazy JACK momma logic)

Once in college I was arguing on the phone with my boyfriend - although he was the one I wanted, I was confused and was sort of simultaneously talking to the woman who would eventually become my ex-wife. Anyway, after that call, mom asked me if everything was alright. I said yes, ma.

"You fighting?"

"Yes, ma - but it's fine"

and as I walk away she said, "is it with a man or with a woman?"

I turned back to her and looked her squarely in the eye, "both."

She turned away from me and distracted herself with some crossword of hers.

I still remember the blank stare I got before she turned away from me - she was utterly shocked ... in a mortified sort of way, not in a surprised sort of way.

Momma don't want no faggot
Another time, after my divorce, I was hooking up with this dude who was going to pick me up. I was in NYC visiting mom and that's where he was going to pick me up.

"I hope you're not getting into that faggot shit," she said to me.

I looked her squarely in the eye, "Why not?!"

She stared at me and then cut her eyes to distract herself with yet another fucking crossword puzzle book. No more talk - no more acknowledgment. End of discussion.

But she told me a lot by calling it "faggot" shit and refusing to acknowledge me ... we're cool as long as I'm not gay.

Momma will make up some SHIT
I could fill volumes with the nonsense my momma will make up - but today's edition takes the cake. You will NOT believe the nonsense my own mother is perpetuating in the family. It's likely the most ridiculous "my son ain't gay, dammit!" pounding of the chest nonsense you done ever heard. You ready?

My cousin (female) called to tell me that our aunt (my mother's sister) told her that my mother told HER ... (you following?) ... that she's convinced that my cousin (female) and I are lovers.

Yes, folks - incest is better than homosexuality - just ask my momma.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Suck the Shine off Dem Lips

So, my lips have been screaming for the winter to go the fuck away and for some humidity to come on back into the air - so I've got m carmex. I'm on a date last night and put some on - I ask him if my lips are shiny cuz I don't want them all shiny. He said it didn't matter because he'd suck the shine off my lips if he had to.

Really? Ok - so, I was at work today and .... blah blah blah

Look folks, I wasn't kidding about my not being into no fuckin and suckin and frottagin' and all dat. I'm not sure where my libido is, but it's off in some far away brush hiding from me. And I'm not out looking for it.

I made that clear when he and I began to speak - of course, we met online. So, of course, I didn't have my hopes in the rafters over the date, but it was a fun change to an otherwise mundane schedule of work, train, home - work, train, home. So, I went and for all intents and purposes things went fairly well.


I didn't see any sparks or anything - but I'm glad to have gone out and met him and to listen to him speak as opposed to reading him text. I'm not sure what the shiny lip comment was about, but I think he got the message when I acknowledged he said it and kept it moving into other areas. He didn't disrespect me, he didn't try to touch me or get me home or anything. It ended with a kiss goodbye that was really just a peck on the lips and nothing really extraordinarily ridiculous ...

I done tole you how I once accidentally blew a drag queen - I'm not taking ya' mother fuckers at face value anymore ... any queen in heels can kick off her shoes and put on some Nikes and a pair of baggy jeans. But I'm (mostly) sure this one doesn't moonlight in hosiery.

Whatever - I'm just glad I'm able to date without getting cum in my hair.