Monday, September 8, 2008

Living and Learning

Well, so the last dude I was interested in decided that he wasn't ready. I was bummed for about 48 hours, and then decided that's about all the time I was going to give him. I have this "thing" about giving people any portion of my life. And when I've given enough, I have a mantra. "He can't have not one more iota of my life." And so, with that - I let him go.

No sooner than I do - I come across another intriguing online profile. I've grown accustomed to the grotesque opening remarks from men online. "What you get into?" "You fine - let's meet up." One time, I got an offer for $500 to have sex with a dude, based on my picture alone. I was mad as hell - as if I'm a cheap ho. It'd have to be at LEAST twice that.

Another dude asked me to meet him in the parking lot of the local mall so I could blow him while he drove around town. As "tempting" as offer as that was - I was gonna have to pass. As in ... oooohhhh yyyeaaaahhhh, but no.

At any rate, this guy I'm talking to doesn't broach any of these subjects. As a matter of fact, I noticed he viewed my profile and didn't send me a note. So, I sent a very simple - thanks for stopping by. He responded saying he didn't 'say' anything because I only had one picture up. I was like, um ok - but I assure you that's 100% me. I posted a few other pictures, listed them as private and allowed him access.

Now, they are all face shots (I used to say head shots, but you can understand how that caused confusion) because I'm certainly not putting all my business out there. For as crazy as I am - I still feel that there are some things I keep on reserve for Mr. Man. (Notice I didn't say Mr. Right). Now, that's not to say that I don't appreciate the fellas who DO post pictures of their manhood all over cyberspace. Because I do. I'm just not one of them - nor do I really want to be.

All that said, the ensuing conversation is actually pretty decent. After several hours of emailing back and forth online, we exchange numbers and I go off to shower and pack the car to prepare for my three hour drive.

I spent about two hours of that drive talking to him. And it was really nice. Then I spent another three hours on the phone with him into the evening. Amazing how you can always have shit to talk about at first, but when you're in a relationship for 7 years (*cough*PF*cough) - there's nothing to say really. But I digress.

The old JACK would be planning a wedding by this point. But, alas, I've learned that the person I have in mind exists solely in my mind right now. I perceive him framed in my own expectations and until we meet in person and I allow him to be who he really is, then I can begin to adjust the HIM that exists in my head so that he mirrors the HIM that he really is.

So, for now - I'll accept that he's putting a smile on my face today. And smiling does me good.

But thinking this jobu is the answer to all my wants and desires is just setting myself up to be let down. And seriously, didn't I just give the last nigga 48 hours of my life? Yuh, I did.

And now every bit of me is for me right now.

We'll meet in person this weekend - until then, I got tons of shit to do.


PhlyyGirl said...

Right now is always a good time to enjoy yourself...but at least you've learned and your not jumping off the bridge from the beginning because he smiled at you...tying on the bungee cord maybe, but not quite leaping yet.

JACK said...

Excellent metaphor. I'm not opposed to leaping, but keeping my expectations in check is definitely easier now that I've fucked it up several times before and can identify it early.

Super Dave Van Buren said...

Dude that's waayyy too long to be talking on the phone. I couldn't do it.

JACK said...

But, superdave, I'm a great conversationalist. :-)

The F$%K it List said...

Oohh I like a man that can carry a long conversation.

I agree with you its best to enjoy the smiles for what they are...moments of happiness. Relationships must play themselves out. sometimes for the good sometimes for the bad.