Friday, March 21, 2008

This morning wasn't enough

Explain to me how we are at grandma's house and this child of mine, the very same one that put her hands over her ears when I was admonishing her this morning, decides it's a good idea to kick me ... can someone please explain this to me?

I'm telling you I reached for her and swung at her ass and fuckin missed. I mean, I was LIVID ... I had to send her out of the room because I didn't want the police involved and if she remained in my sight then the popo would've been there for sure.

So, her excuse is that she was playing. And then I ask her when have we ever played like that. She acknowledges ... NEVER. And this is the kicker (pun intended) - I asked her if she would ever kick her mom like that and she said NO.

I took away her TV privileges for the evening - we were supposed to have a slumber party and all sleep in the living room watching movies until we drifted off to sleep. It looks like it's going to be and my boy. That child needs to be in her room.

Seriously, is there a camera on me? Is this a set-up? Ashton - you there?

What's the problem here?

So, I read about this unfortunate incident in Germany ... and I had no idea that you could even GET a new anus. I will definitely need to look into this ... well, you know because, um, maybe in my old age I might have, um ... oh forget it.,22049,23401962-5012895,00.html

But don't you fret if your problem is actually a few short "steps" away. There is hope for you if you want a new vagina too.

Plastic surgery simply amazes me. I know of two ladies who yesterday went to a "Botox Party." Apparently, all these people get together, get injected and go along their merry way.

Anybody for an ass party?

Parenting in the new Millenium

You might think from the title of this blog that I am writing about the children of other people. You know, about the ridiculous antics of other people's children out in the mall, or even at a restaurant. And I've been known to say "no the hell won't my child act like that in public," or something to that effect. But in this blog, I am actually writing about MY child.

So, yes - Jack has two children. I focus on the older of the two: the six year old. She's daddy's girl for sure and whenever she's at daddy's house she totally works that angle for all its worth. Lately, it's the pouting thing - and I'm over it. She can pout and cry the river Jordan for all I care ... I just send her to go flood her bedroom and not my precious living room.

But this morning! Oh, Lord have mercy on her soul ... and her ass because I'm about to tear it up! She's acting a fool and not listening to me and all that and it's all par for the course with a six year old right? Well, get this ... I get her strapped into her booster seat (her borther already strapped in on the other side of the car) and I am telling her that she cannot behave the way she is behaving. And do you want to know what this child did? MY child? She put her hands over her ears and bowed her head down.

Talk about seeing red. Chile, I done saw EVERY shade of red ... crimson, magenta (even if it's more purple) ... and that God awful blood red. But I kept it cool, not-so-gently removed her hands from over her ears and ranted and rave something along the lines of, "you must be out your mind if you gonna cover your ears while I'm talking to you - you will listen when you are spoken to" blah blah blah.

Well, get this - we get to Walgreens (in one piece) and I have to buy candy because theyr'e doing this easter egg thing at daycare and thankfully I found last years plastic easter eggs so all I needed was candy. And do you know this child had the nerve to ask me for a little stuffed rabbit. I had a mind to put my fucking hands over my ears and bow my damn head. I really did. And I SO should have.

But I told her she doesn't get to act like she's been actin and then get toys for it. She apologizes and then asks again. Ha! That ain't working either, little one.

But be it known to every reader of this blog (all one of you) that if this child puts her hands over her ears again while I am talking ... I'm a beat the fuck out her like it's 1982 and the neighbors gon' join in to take over when I get tired. That's the shit parenting was about back in the day and as I look around at today's kids (especially those ones actin a fool at the mall, or even a restaurant) it's abundantly obvious to me that we need to turn back the clock, beat some sense, some respect and some behavior modification right the fuck back into them.

Can you see yourself puttin your hands over your ears when your mother or father was talking to you? I mean, can you imagine the repercussions in 1982?

My daughter gon' be able to explain it to you the next time she puts her hands over her ears when I'm talking to her.

Stay tuned.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Treading New Waters

Well, I'm not exactly sure this title is accurate, because I continue to e-meet people on skeezy websites ... but I am VERY particular about meeting people in person. I'm not tryin to end up dead in a man-made bunker in some midwestern plain tied up and ball-gagged. But I'm talking to someone new now ... and we're just chatting.

He's low profile and I'm realizing that all the men that seem to be worth ANYTHING are either on the down-lo or just don't want but a certain few people to know. So, for that set of the gay-male population, I have a question:

Exactly what do you have to offer a partner?

I'm chatting with another dude in another state who isn't quite ready to accept the totality of his homosexuality, or the totality of his heterosexuality. Living in limbo, he seems to be content. But during our talks, we touched on the fact that I'm divorced and have children.

So, I explain to him that I had to come to the realization that if I didn't make a choice, I wasn't good to either gender. I offered nothing more than that tinge of doubt to ANYONE, because no matter how good everything else is there always exists that little bit of SOMETHING that questions me. And since I would be living in limbo at the time, I can't blame anyone.

So, just make a damn choice. Certainly there exist people, both male and female, who are equally happy with a partner of either gender ... fine. But many, MANY a gay man is wearing a heterosexual cloak because, oh - I don't know - it makes life easier? You don't do anyone any good living like that. No man ... no woman ... not even yourself. Your relationships always seem to lack something and your partners never really get ALL of you.

So, pick one - and enjoy the comfy new waters that await you on the other side of "who the hell am I."

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Late in Coming

You know - I so should have started this blog ages ago. Then you'd already know about the Sandman, and the guy whose misfortunes are always someone else's fault (and that I spent a year plus with him) and about "c." But alas - they're all behind me. (Shut up!)

But, I had this epiphany that this would be a good topic to blog about.

At this point, I can tell you that I had a date scheduled for Tuesday. But then the weather came - and ice covered everything. So we canceled. He said he would call me later that night. The sun has risen twice since that conversation and no call.

If you ever want to know how to pick the losers, let me know. I can TOTALLY fill you in.