Interesting Things

I had to write down three things I like about myself because Jaded's blog said to - and I realized that I really like my gray hair. I really do. It's been there for a while and I am quite attached to it. *grin*

I got an email out of the blue at work from an old college friend. She and I were mad tight back in the day - she didn't make it, leaving after Sophomore year, and I went on to graduate. We lost touch, after trying half-heartedly not to, and now she's emailed me. We're planning on chatting tomorrow. Should be a good time catching up.

Watched "Cloudy with a chance of meatballs" with the kids tonight - it was cute, but I didn't really like it all that much. However, there's this Black cop in the movie whose dad tells him he love him and the kid says, "Dad, you tell me you love me ALL the time!" as excitedly as he can. My kids, almost simultaneously, say to me - you do, too daddy! That made my night.

I've lost 4 pounds this week. Went to the gym 5 times in 7 days, and have been watching what I eat, cutting out all that late night snacking crap. A good friend motivated me and I think it's sticking this time. (And when I say motivated, I mean he worked me out two days in a row and it hurt to move for the whole fucking week)

My daughter forgot her homework at school - and I realized that I needed to have her mother call other parents and find out what the homework was. It's a big project to do internet research and I don't live in their school district and don't know any of the other parents. Anyway, the child was mortified at having to tell her mom that she left her folder at school because "mom doesn't like it when I leave my homework at school."

It was all good until she asked me to wait and not tell mom until we saw if the teacher responded to the email I sent. At that point, the dynamic changed - I told her that mommy and daddy don't keep secrets and that we had to really talk about what was the right thing to do. 35 minutes and lots of tears later - she calls her mom and tells her. It all worked out ok - and baby girl ended up telling me "I feel better"

Why one of my friends was over here with her 3 year old and left him with me while she ran home for a bit ... and that was 3+ hours ago?!? She just called and said she's on her way. I guess I should go into the other room now. I just needed some adult time - it's been me and three kids for THREE HOURS! lol

On Target

I played a lot of darts in college. It wasn't something I grew up doing, though. It's just not a sport that nuyoricans play in The Big City. Of course, we're very well accustomed to sharp objects (machetes, butcher knives, box cutter - you know, the usual) but darts always made me feel kinda woozy - those metal ones that pierced through cork and made that thud sound just took a lot of getting used to. This picture here reminds me of that one time EVER I actually made a hat trick. I was stoked ... in the typical, primal masculine way - like I could've beat my own chest and roared.

(Actually, I think I may have)

But anyway - that's not the point of this post. I have been watching what I eat (I had tilapia stir fry last night, and a turkey burger with steamed veggies for lunch today) and actually wen to the gym for my 30 minutes of cardio last night!

I feel like my mind is set squarely on this goal now. It's really something I want to do (again) ... but this time, I kinda want to take the weight off and actually KEEP it off. I plan to go tot he gym again tonight ... the 2nd of my promised 3 visits to the gym this week.

So, I'm doing it - and I'm a need someone to egg me on and threaten my well-being if I don't make it to the gym 3 times this week. readddyyyy ... GO!

First Love - It gets better

Well, we've been messaging back and forth on facebook for a few days now and push finally came to shove. And we rehashed what was our relationship some 11 years ago. ELEVEN. Am I a glutton for this kind of punishment? Why did I do this? I'm emotional right now and I'm not even sure what to do. So, I'm here.

He mentioned that he hasn't been in a relationship with a Hispanic since college. I asked, "who?!? me?" and he said yes. I explained that some months ago i began to wonder if he even considered me an ex- because all I can remember is that he left me, without any explanation, because his momma didn't want to accept his sexuality.

He said that of course he did. And what followed I was not prepared for. I don't even know where to start - because I don't know how it all happened. It's all a whirlwind of emotion and I can't remember who said what first and in what order we discussed them. So don't hold me to the specific order.

I came clean first, though. I did say that he was really hard to get over. That surprised him because he figured I went straight right after him and got married and had kids and he just figured I forgot about him. On the contrary, my friend - I just had a good poker face. Since I wasn't out, and was before I met him 21, a virgin and really confused .. I just didn't have anyone to turn to to sort through my emotions and what to do next.

I had no support system - no one knew I was with him, because I was away at college ... and no one knew I even liked men ... and counseling was never really something I even considered ... so i figured it out on my own. As much as I loved that man ... it was real, intense and deep ... and if it didn't work with HIM, then I was just not even going to bother with men at all. That's the stupid decision I came to.

He was floored, it seems. And said, "you never forget your first love." He was sexually active for years before he met me, and I knew that. I knew that I couldn't possibly be his first anything, and I figured I'd let him revel in this thing he has over me. He was my first.

He goes on to detail how we met. He remembered every minute detail ... he was working behind the counter at the campus center and this nigga remembered what I ordered (cheeseburger, curly fries)... that he took great care to make it ... and that my exact words were, "Thanks, man." I find it curious and keep interrupting. "Would you just listen," he says. Ok.

He remembers the first time I kissed him - where it was, who was there, what we were doing. He details it all for me. All of it. And says, "JACK, you were my first love."

WHAT?!?

For years after, he compared every man to me. If he didn't measure up, he says, they were "thrown out." For years he did this, until someone loved him through it - and they were together for 4.5 years. Now, however, the man has trust issues and their relationship has ended. But that's what it took.

WHAT?!?

I admit to him that when I found out he lived in Louisville, less than a 2 hour drive away, after my divorce ... that I actually paid for a people search to find him and I had several numbers to call him. I never called though because I was afraid he'd reject me and I couldn't do that again. I actually tried to get my cousin to make the calls, but she wouldn't recognize his voice. I admit this all knowing full well that he's going to think I'm a stalker. but I'm putting it all out on the table. "I did the same thing," he says to me.

WHAT?!?

Yes, folks - he paid the same fee, found a list of people in this city with my name and got through 3 calls before thinking it was stupid.

Now we live 700 miles apart, someone loved him through it and he's in a new relationship, and I'm not sure how I feel about all of this.

What should I feel right now, knowing he said that he really wished I had made calls when I got those Louisville numbers? Obviously, I'm not trying to start some shit here - so don't tell me to move to NY and beat the fuck out his current boyfriend ... I just need to know HOW to feel.

Flattered that he did love me after all? Grateful that he admitted it to me? I just feel WEIRD and I don't know what to do with it. HELP!

a glimpse into JACK

I have a few weaknesses, and although I absolutely refuse to list them here for the world to know and see and use against me (did I just reveal too much right there? ), I will indeed say that there are several songs out there that have a profound effect on me, songs that cannot simply fill the air and drift on by me but that instead that permeate through me, fill my chest with tension and fill my eyes with tears. Others put me in a trance. I'm careful as HELL not to get caught out there like that, though, and you will never, ever find me around if these songs that makes me all sappy comes on on the air. I will change the station or leave the room if I have no control over the airwaves.

The first time ever I saw your face
Look, I don't know what the hell Roberta Flack was thinking - but DAYUM, give a mother fucker a break. After all these years, my posture gets just a little bit better by about note number 4 of this song. And by the time she sings 'i felt the sun rose in your eyes,' I'm fighting the water in mine. And so many people have tried to remake this song - Lauryn Hill sang it, George Michael sang it, Celine Dion sang it. And it's one of those songs that people just need to leave alone. Back the fuck up and stay away from this bitch, mother fuckers - you can't touch it. And then, I heard Leona Lewis sing it ... and my posture got just a little bit better by about note number 4. My mother in law likes this one better than the original - that's debatable of course, but I gotta say that Leona does it for me. And her rendition get a thumbs up from JACK.




The weakness in me
I heard this song only recently, and it's the one that inspired this post. I didn't even know who Keisha White was (sorry to all those K.W. fans, I just didn't know). When I heard it, I found myself listening to it over and over, and over and over again. When I latch on to a song, I'm wont to burn it, for days on end. Ask anyone close to me - it's best to just not be around me when I get like that because it's all you hear and it will drive you crazy - but that's me. Apparently, it was written and performed by the Indigo Girls some years ago - but whatever ... K.W. is where I heard it first and I'm not even interested in any previous version. And I don't care want ANYbody says, bitch is WARRING that dress in this video, and that glance she gives the pianist at the end makes me just wanna eat her UP.



So High
This is what made me a John Legend fan - when this nigga sang, "and we can't get much closer to God than where we are," I wanted to propose. Admittedly, this song puts me more in a trance than it does make me tear up ... but it's damn close. At about 03:20 in this video, he kisses the FUCK out that woman, doesn't he? mmm mmm mmmmm



Safe from harm
I get chills from this one - the Faith in me knows Bebe got it right with this one. I could definitely listen to this for hours when I'm feeling low, or anxious or whatever. Bebe betta SHANG! When he hits the high note singing, "in the eye of the storm there CALM," The chills reach an apex for me. (Yes, I said "SHANG" and "apex" in the same post)



So you would know
This one is too much for me to explain - just listen.

brooklyn tabernacle choir songs
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Selfish
I just wanted to end this post on a not so 'drippy wet' mood. I love the shiznit out this song. (And i have the ONLY crush on Toni - just do.) When I was dating 'THAT mother fucker' I had this song on repeat one night to fall asleep to and it played through the night. He came home when I was already asleep and in the morning he wanted to know if I had this song on repeat all night because of him? Uhhhh, no - I just like it. Maybe that was the wrong answer - he wanted to assure me he was all mine. Ummmm, yay? I dunno. I still like the song even though he tried to ruin it for me.

My alma mater

I don't usually talk about high school. There's college to focus on - so I don't have a high school ring. I did get a college ring, except I gave it to my cousin when she was the best (wo)man at my wedding. She was the best Best (Wo)Man I could have ever had ... I'm not saying we're trashy, ghetto bitches or anything, but she and I were both late to the wedding. Yes, folks, I was late to my own wedding. I stopped to get the bouquet, because this wedding was planned about as well as our Iraq war, and the bride had nothing to hold. But this bitch at the flower shop took her sweet ‘ole time. I called the church and the associate pastor says, “Let me get this straight – you’re late to your own wedding.”

Fucker.

Add this to the fact that my Best (Wo)Man had stuffed her bra with masking tape and you get the idea. We’re a straight mess. But I’m digressing.

My whole point here is this here quote published at overheardinny.com:

Elderly math teacher: By god, you can't just hand me any mangled piece of paper you want! What do you think this is, the Bronx High School of Science?
Geeky kid #1: Oooh, that's mean.
Geeky kid #2: Well, at least he didn't say Brooklyn Tech. They have cameras everywhere, and if you dis them, they'll take out their gun and be all, "What did you say about my school?"
Geeky kid #1: You just made that up.
Geeky kid #2: I wish.

--Stuyvesant High School

My, how I miss Brooklyn Tech …