Wednesday, December 31, 2008

La Curita


This dude pretty much sums up my 2008. Instead of reflecting on the pros and cons and systematically reviewing the year, I'm taking another route. Let me summarize the 2008 nonsense with a little christmas story:

I woke up Christmas morning in a bit of a fog. The kids were with their mom until noon and I was going to pick them up and then have them for a week. The presents were all under the tree, overflowingly so. And I really don't know how a damn tree can OVERflow from the BOTTOM, but whatever - I spoil them little bastards ROTTEN. All wrapped in various and sundry types of wrapping paper layed a desktop, several Nintendo DS games, school supplies and coloring books and toys all ready to be ransacked at about noon:01. So, all this meant what? It meant that I had planned well and gotten everything done beforehand. It meant that I had several hours to myself ... before an entire week of nothing but kids. And I needed some adult time ... and I needed some ME time. And I needed a MAN!

Unfortunately, I contact Mr. Still Doesn't Know My Last Name. He invited me over (because I told him to), warning me that he had a coworker passed out drunk on his couch. Whatever - I'm on my way. Now, if you've been keeping up with my blog, you know that Mr. Still Doesn't Know My Name has has several opportunities to ... how you say ... complete the task ... but has never managed to do so. This self-proclaimed 100% top doesn't seem to be able to cork a bottle. But eh - it's Christams, right?

Since the coworker is passed out on the couch, I enter through the back door. I thought it funny (for obvious reasons, right?). So, he makes coffee, I have a cigarette and he lays on the bed. I walk over to the bed and there right below his navel .....


Obviously, I touch it and ask, "what's this?" Well folks the stupid mother fucker invites me over to fuck and neglects to tell me that less than a week before he had a fucking hernia removed!!! OMG - the world just froze there for a few seconds as the words washed over me ... I decided that this was HIS problem. I mean, the last time when he took those damn over-the-counter sexual enhancement pills and I thought his heart was going to explode, I was concerned about him. But at this point, I'm concerend about ME.

Well, he got up in the middle of the festivities to take a pain pill ... so, he didn't get any and all I got for Christmas was a tossed salad. I've decided that 2008 was the year of the band-aid. And my son summed up how I feel about bidding it farewell when he took this video:

video

Au Revoir 2008!

Monday, December 15, 2008

JACK's Favorite Prank Calls

The Indian Restaurant

(It's the very end that gets me! Reefer?! LMAO)

The Funeral Lady

(Where the ashes? Do Blu got 'em?)


Miss Barbara

(You from a tribe, Bitch - RUN!)

Mr. Egghead

I had no idea that word translated to "cunt"

Fourteen Pounds

This is only in Spanish :-(

Friday, December 12, 2008

When stupid moments happen to smart people

You know, I have never taken an "official" IQ test, but the unoffical ones online tell me I'd fare well. Certainly not Einstein level, but I'll do better that just barely break triple digits. But I've got to tell you - sometimes, I'm the stupidest mother fucker I know.

    1. I am not out at work and while discussing Callin In Gay day, I was saying about how gay people want the world to know that "we" ..... well, that they want to know that "WE" understand what they contribute to society.
    2. I'm pretty much out at work now.
    3. I was texting nice with the ex-wife the other day ... as in, funny HA HA jokes and I actually kinda thought it was cool. I decided to buy her a Christmas present. I'm an idiot.
    4. True to form, since I was texting with the ex-wife, I got to thinking about THAT Mother Fucker and about how he is a good person in his own right. And I ended up sending him a note sayin "Hello, Sir :-)"
    5. He hasn't responded and I'm kinda freaking out that I did it.
    6. I am totally living paycheck to paycheck, especially with living in two cities, and I have this hangnail that won't quit. On my pinky toe (call back to Della Reese in Harlem Nights ... I really wish someone WOULD shoot it!). And so I scheduled a pedicure, errr Foot Maintenance, tomorrow so that can fix this shit. Right, no money, but I'm paying for a pedi. When I could really do this myself. Idiot.
    7. I bought myself that damn electric mattress pad - FUCKING idiot.
    8. Have you read my other blog post where I can't keep it straight who's who that I've met online? Oh - I didn't tell you that I've added more mens to the list? Right - I can't keep it straight as it is, so I add more variables. Fucking BRILLIANT!
    9. I think I want to have my mom over for Christmas, but that means I have to drive with her in the car. For 10 hours. With just me and my mom. omg - I'm not just an idiot, I'm fucking CRAZY too.
    10. I need to complete a paper for school - for a class I took this summer and took a grade of I (incomplete) for and I started writing the paper on my laptop. But I left the laptop at work ... and my reference material in my apartment. Neither with me, nor together, and both 300 miles away.
    11. Did I swallow a stupid pill by accident? Because the other day, I took 60 miligrams of a medicine I was supposed to take only 20 miligrams of ... and i was a str8 mess!

I'm going to need someone to smack the stupid out of me. Any takers?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

JACK's Blog Family X-mas Card

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

$12



Stop fuckin playin - it's a $12 donation for a damn T-Shirt. And if your ass ain't in one of these bitchez on 1.20.09, I'm a boycott your blog! So there!



Buy a shirt ... so JACK can keep it cute.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Here we go again ...

Remember when Kwame Kilpatrick started actin' a fool? Well, folks, another democrat is fuckin' shit up again ... I introduce you to Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich, shown here in this Associated Press file photo:



As you may know, now that Barak Obama is President Elect, he vacates a senate seat. Additionally, as Governor of Illinois it is Blagojevich who gets to appoint Obama's replacement to finish out the current term. So, a democrat (Blagojevich) gest to make this appointment.

[insert loud crowd cheering noises]

Yet, Blagojevich has been arrested because he was trying to SELL the senate seat for personal gain.

[in unison, crowd "awwwwww"]

That's right, folks ... the Governor of the State of Illinois has been incarcerated for trying to seel a fucking senate seat to the highest bidder, proof positive that the origin of the term Windy City is indeed in regards to politics in the City of Chicago and not just due to the weather. The City of Cincinnati totally feels justified right now. (you'll have to wikipedia The Windy City and read about the Cincinnati reference if you really want to)

Ok, I remember when Kwame crossed the damn border to go into Canada while he was on parole and came back talkin' about how he didn't know he couldn't leave the country even on official city business. (Right, because Mayors have trouble interpreting the law) And I even remember the whole wide-stance incident with the Idaho senator at the MN airport - because no one EVER finds out about your tawdry sexcapades in public places ....

But trying to sell Barak Obama's senate seat?! REALLY!? Idiot, Idiot, IDIOT - just the first Black man to become President and you're going to inconspicuously sell his senate seat to the highest bidder? Seriously?

Look, I was walking down Jackson Blvd yesterday when his motorcade rode by. The streets were blocked off and those secret service men with their (quite menacing looking, I might add) sniper fire at the ready in those Black full-sized SUVs rode by first with all their windows open ... then a bunch of decoy vehicles (don't ask me which one Obama was in) ... and bringing up the rear? An ambulance ... (maybe in case those snipers at the front of the motorcade actually had to take someone out - who knows) ....

And you think that things surrounding this man go unnoticed? Seriously? You do know that the secrete service and FBi and CIA et. al. can tap your phones, right Governor? Oh - my bayd. I'll add your stupid ass to the wide-stance/can't leave the country on parole? list of political ridiculousness.

So, just so we're clear - within the last year, there have been scandals involving

  • The Governor of New Jersey
  • The Governor of New York
  • A Presidential nominee
  • A senator from Idaho
  • The Mayor of Detroit
  • The Governor of Illinois

Mark Twain once said that there are lies, damned lies and statistics. I'd like to add politics to the list, please. Thank you.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Weekend at JACK's



This weekend with the kids was excellent, with its typical highs and lows. I told the kids that we would be putting up the tree this weekend and so as soon as I picked them up on Friday night, it was "tree, tree, tree BLA BLAH BLAH tree, tree, tree."


Ok, this weekend meant over the weekend, not on Friday - that didn't go over well. Neither did the fact that I had made a huge bowl of spaghetti for dinner. Whatever - the Martinez Family mantra fit here: "you git' what you git' and you don't throw a fit!"


(cuz I'll wear you out)


At any rate, our Friday tradition is to have a slumber party. That is, everyone sleeps in the living room, we engorge on popcorn and stay up as late as we can. However, Friday was a bit different ... I left them on the couch and went to sleep in my own bed. See, I made the unfortunate mistake of taking the wrong dose of one of my meds (as in I took three pills instead of one - don't ask) and I ended up so damn tired I couldn't deal. The next morning, my daughter is trying to wake me up to get the tree started and I pretty much came out my face ... "GET OUT MY ROOM!"


When I finally got up, I realized it was snowing. How nice ... we got out all the decorations and got to putting the tree together. I don't do live trees anymore - I no longer see the point. You go out in the cold, you find a tree you have to tie to your car only to get it home and untie is and then you have to get it in the house and stand it up and get underneath it to readjust it and then you gotta remember to fucking water it!


Look, I'm so beyond bringing additional things into my house that need to be taken care of - I apply this rule to men, and by God it applies to plant life. (Don't give me flowers thinking it's cute, dammit! It's another thign to take care of! no, thanks!)


So, we get the tree up and dress it up in our traditional white lights, silver and red ornaments and silver and red garland. And then, we head off to buy our stockings and ornaments. Every year, we all pick out a new ornament just for traditions' sake. My daughter gets the princess stocking, I get one with a reindeer on it and my son gets one that (I'm not lying) three mother fucking feet long! I couldn't deny him the damn stocking - that smirk of his lit up his eyes so damn cute-like that he had me hook, line and sinker.


Oh, and we placed the mistletoe in the door way into the living room. There were so many kisses flying around this weekend ....



The REAL pregnant man

We were laying down on the couch and my daughter was laying on my belly. She pats it, looks up at me and with a very serious daddy's girl look in her eyes asks me, "are you pregnant?"

I'm definitely on my diet again. I had a meal replacement shake for breakfast and have some protein bars here at my desk. You know it's serious when a little girl thinks her dad is pregnant.

I could so rock that demi post over there. (Vanity Fair, August 1991 ... that is, this ain't my picture!)

The British are coming!

While watching some retarded movie where a guy loses his watch in the cavity of a turkey and somehow gets his head stuck in it while trying to retrieve it, I say, "is he stupid or something?"

My daughter: "uuuh, he's from London."

JACK: "oh"

I left the room to laugh uproariously.

Daddy's boy

That boy of mine totally has my heart. A very touching moment as he's getting ready to leave for his mother's house ... he comes to me all pouty-like and says he really like being at daddy's house. I said he wold be back with me on Friday and a very forlorn "ok" followed.

Eventually, that boy gon' choose to live with me. Mark my words.

He's all mine.

MUAUAUAUUAUUUUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH [evil scientist laugh]

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I'm sorry - which one are you again?

I have to really get things straight in my head - I've been meeting a bunch of new 'mens' in Chicago and I'm having trouble remembering who I said what to. For instance, I had a discussion with someone about my being a Coke snob and he said he preferred Pepsi. However, I can't remember who I had this conversation with! I asked one dude "was it you who said you preferred Pepsi over Coke?"

"No, I don't think so."

So, I am realizing that I need to pay better attention. So far, this is what I have:

The Singer
He sings opera. It's kinda cool. Interestingly enough, he's the second person I've met on line who sings opera for a living! The first is a really, really good friend of mine (we started a tradition of giving each other ridiculous greeting cards - on my birthday he gave me one congratulating me on my new great grandchild. fucker.) and I know quite a bit about the nomadic life someone who sings opera for a living leads. So, conversation is kind of cool. I have SOME idea of what he's talking about. Unlike my friend, The Singer hasn't used the word 'aria' yet, though. WHEW!

The Massage Therapist
This one's not really my type physically ... he's shorter than I am and that's usually not my cup of tea. But, he's a massage therapist! He offered me a massage this week, but our schedules aren't jiving. DAMN SCHEDULES ALL TO HELL! All kidding aside, he seems pretty cool and has his head on straight and I really appreciate his attention to his health, although he might be more neurotic than *I* am! He gets tested every three months. I like that.

The Tennis Player
Ok, so he doesn't play tennis anymore - he's younger than I am and is just a smidgen younger than what I consider my floor. But he is responsible and is currently making ends meet by being a nanny - crazy, huh? The fact htat he's good with kids is pretty cool. I like that. He seems a bit aloof at times, though, and I don't think he's all THAT interested ... but for the occasional chat or text message, it's fine. We've yet to meet in person.

Wandering Eye
I am not at all interseted in this one - but he is very friendly. So, whenever it fancies me, I'll shoot him a text and see what's up. Haven't seen him in months, though.

Lazy Eye
I have to give this dude props for actually sending me a picture of him that depicts the lazy eye in all its glory. I mean, while one eye fixates on the lens of the camera, the other is exploring space over yonder ... it's pretty severe. Yet, his confidence is through the fucking roof. it's a curious thing to me. I would think he'd be self conscious, but he just is not. We have not met in person either ... but we chat. I think I can rule him out re: the Pepsi challenge, though. Actually, I can rule our Wandering Eye too.

El Latino
This one is way out of the box for me. I pretty much am only interested in Black men ... but this character was persistent and he's actually very intelligent. He's a teacher ... 7th grade and appreciates education - that's a HUGE plus. He just plain confronted me that I was playing hard to get and it was an interesting confrontation. I knew I was pretty much not interested, but his directness got my attention. We missed each other yesterday - I sent a text, he sent an IM and neither of us got the message. Aw well. We'll see.

The Model
Well, he models on occasion. He's 31 and a grandfather. Yes - you do the math. At any rate, he's decent peoples and it will remain on a friendship level. I'm just not interested "like that."

So, there you have it - I've been busy. By god, I WILL have a social network in this here city if it kills me!

(well, ok, I'm not willing to die for it - but you get the idea)

Monday, December 1, 2008

Parents have sex!? ... and other eye-openers

So, I get this text message from a blog reader:

"Your blog is turning you into a voyeur"

Confused, I engage in a conversation asking him to elaborate. Because I really don't quite understand what the hell he's trying to say. Now, there are thousands of words in the English language that I do not know (as I was reminded this weekend while watching Akeelah and the Bee) but I think I have a pretty good grasp of "voyeur"

1: one obtaining sexual gratification from observing unsuspecting individuals who are partly undressed, naked, or engaged in sexual acts ; broadly : one who habitually seeks sexual stimulation by visual means

As I engage in this text conversation, I realize there must be another definition and there is, one that is not necessarily based on anything sexual:

2: a prying observer who is usually seeking the sordid or the scandalous

I suppose that once the term with a sexual connotation entered my brain, I stopped reading the dictionary. Aw well. But I fail to understand how this is necessarily a BAD thing. I mean, after all - it's MY blog, right? But I argue that my photo blogging of the ridiculous things I see is not the main focus of my blog, but rather just one of many threads, or labels, herein. I blog much more frequently about my babies and about how I just love being a daddy.

"Vulgar sexual details on one link. How much you love your kids a few paragraphs down. This is why Christians don't want gays to adopt."

Honestly, I can't remember where I have included my kids and any vulgar sexual details in the same post. If you find one, let me know. Those things are mutually exclusive, and as I said to this blog reader,

"it's really ok to be a sexual being and a parent ... it really is."

Did we all just forget where the fuck kids come from? Let's be honest, fucking feels good ... we all do it and all take it to varying levels of extreme. Raising kids is hard ass work, and I'm pretty sure that if fucking didn't feel so good we probably wouldn't opt to have kids. If having kids was akin to building an ark, I don't know anyone who would embark on such a three year project. 90+ % of the parents I know had UNPLANNED pregnancies ... you know what that means?

They planned on fucking their brains out. They may have used toys and lots of lube and might even have come out of it with an injury or two ... but no one *I* know planned to have a fucking kid. I'm not Catholic, never been Catholic and I'm a proponent of fucking for the sake of getting your rocks off, destressing, satisfying your addiction to orgasms ... I don't give a flying fuck. Just be safe, dammit - wrap your mother fucking partner in Saran Wrap if you have to ... but play safe and sweat like a whore in church, pull a muscle or sprain your wrist, invite three or four friends and come HARD .... or don't come at all.

All that said - and I'm still the best mother fucking daddy I know.

Even *if* I take pictures of people doing stupid shit and blog about them. And I maintain that if you're out in public, nothing you do is private ... even if you cower in the corner to do it.

You know what - fuck that. I'm the best mother fucking daddy YOU know.

And my camera stays at the ready ...

Now, re: Christians not letting gays adopt

JGC is not responsible for the narrowmindedness of Christians who love to point out the splinters in the eyes of others while ignoring the planks in their own. I'm pretty sure my Bible teaches that "all have sinned and come short of the glory of God" (Rms 3:23) and that includes pastors, deacons, ushers, reverends, priests ... every last mother fucking one of them Christians who pretend that my sin is greater than thiers.

By definition, sin is anything that separates you from God ... your white lie, or my swallowing - all the same in God's eyes. When you look through the pretentious, pious, ridiculous lens of Christianity ... you view sin categorically ... but none of my Bibles (not the KJV, the NKJV, the NIV, the Amplified ... nan a' one ah dem) explains that one sin is worse than another.

Remember Zipporah? Right, her sin was racism.

Remember how many people wouldn't vote for Barak because he's Black? Right, that sin is racism.

No better, no worse than Zipporah's ...

So, come at me with the whole Sodom and Gomorrah bit and about how I should suffer the same fate for being a faggot ... and I would like to point out that it's the same damn fucking shame that racists today don't meet the same fate at Zipporah. (*waves goodbye to West Virginia*)

BRING IT.

We here at JGC know our Bible. We here at JGC know about religiosity.

And we here at JGC are NOT responsible for Christians not allowing gays to adopt.

We here at JGC have our own babies.

Carry on ...