Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Excuse me, Sir - but I'm over HERE


I haven't had the best of luck meeting men online - and you would think I would've learned my lesson by now, especially considering this post, that I am one of a minuscule percentage of normal men who date online. I really am ...

And if you didn't go to that post (shame on you), then you should know that the second thing on my list of things that are suspect in the online dating profiles of men is:

Sunglasses: This one really bugs me. I mean, it's night time and there aren't really any bright lights (like the sun) anywhere and yet you insist on wearing shades. Yes, this is a definite sign of a lazy eye.

So, I'm talking to this one dude and he invites himself over to my place. Actually, I have nothing going on and so I send all of the personally identifying information I have of him to Jaded because she's in charge of avenging my death if I should turn up dead after meeting up with someone I got to know online.

**we interrupt this program for this public service announcement**

If you are going to meet someone, ANYONE, even in a public place ... you must always give all of the personally identifying information you have on said person (name, age, stats, screen name [and on what service] phone number, etc) to a third party with whom you will check in with after the meeting has ended. In addition - you MUST, within the first hour, somehow work into the conversation the fact that you've done this so that said person knows his/her personally identifiable information is at the ready for any law enforcement authority in charge of scooping your bloated, lifeless body out of the river

**
now back to our regularly scheduled programming, already in progress**

So, he arrives at my apartment and he looks nothing like what I wanted him to look like. His pictures were WAY better. During the evening, his left eye wanders over into the kitchen, AS IF I WAS IN THE KITCHEN! Well, I wasn't - I was sitting right there in front of him. And then it hit me ... he posted two pics, one was a side view and in the other, he wore shades.

DAMMIT! How did I write the fucking rules up in that post (you still haven't clicked ont hat link to read it, haven't you?) and just totally get blindsided by this one right here (pun intended).

DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT.

And now, I've got nothing left to do but stare at his eye. But then I shouldn't, so I don't - but I want to ... and then I'm playing a game, betting on which direction his left eye will head next. Seriously, how do you ignore this:





Please don't misunderstand me - I know there's nothing you can do about it. But don't fucking stroll up into my house, acting like you the hottest thing since Hades was conjured up in the minds of some cardinals trippin on 'shrooms, trying to woo me and shit AS IF you didn't have a mother fucking lazy eye!!!!!

Seriously, that's some shit you need to tell someone before you meet them. A simple, "if my eye wanders, ignore it - it wanders." And then I wouldn't care that your eye is a nomad. But if you're gonna SURPRISE me with it ... well, guess what ... I'm gonna dance around the room and keep asking "can you see me now?"

Y YA!

3 comments:

The Jaded NYer said...

I ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY LOVE IT when you end a sentence with: "Y YA!" That automatically sends me into a fit of laughter that I almost can't control.

I'm in tears over here, you bastard! You know I'm reading this at work!!!!

in other news... at least he had all his teeth...

JACK said...

Oh LAWD - that's all I fucking needed, for him to have a lazy eye and tooth missing ... like we in Kentucky or some shit. I would asked him whistle dixie and get the fuck out.

The F$%K it List said...

LMAO at dance around the room. That is so devilish.