Wednesday, August 13, 2008

JACK be nimble, but not quick

If you've been keeping up with my blog (and if you haven't, I'm on Google Earth right now mapping out your demise) then you know that this date was a nightmare. But I definitely keep him around because, well ... he's not afraid to spend money. I admit it - it's totally shallow of me, but the shallow of me needs an outlet and in my defense I have totally confined it on HIM. So, the rest of you don't ever have to worry about shallow JACK. He's well taken care of.

So, anyway - he tells me that he bought me something. Tells me not to be scared. And tells me he hopes it's the right size. So, I suspect he bought me a ring. And for a few days, I'm totally freaking out. And I practiced how I would handle it because 1) I was totally accepting the ring and 2) I was totally not going to make a committment. So, I had to play my cards right. Especially since the night before I was to go to his place to spend the night I went out on a date.

Long story short - he asked me for the THIRD time who was the nigga I went out with last night. (I had texted him that I was going to a dinner meeting). And I told him, "His name is Luis." So, his attitude totally changes and I'm annoyed with him. And we play this game until he admits that he's jealous and that he really doesn't have a right to be because we're not together.

*insert a wipe of the brow with a sigh of relief*

Then he admits that he went out on a date with an "Adam." I shrug. "How was it?" And I'm totally in the clear at this point. I'm not upset, or angry ... but he's still jealous. Whatever. He hands me a bouquet of flowers.


Do I even APPEAR to be the type of man that's into flowers? Do any of you out there think JACK wants something ELSE to take care of? Because I don't - I have a job in Chicago where I keep an apartment, a house in Indianapolis where I go every two weeks to spend five days with my kids, a car to maintain so that it continues to make the trip ... and the last mother fucking thing I need is something else to take care of and maintain. But I'm gracious and thank him and he gets a vase and fixes it all up for me.

Good, because them bitches were gonna stay bunched up in that rubber band otherwise.

Then comes the ring - and yes, I was right. It was a ring.

But it was silver and fit only on my pinky, although he wanted it on the ring finger of my right hand.

*insert another wipe of the brow and another sigh*

Well, I decide to give the festivities another chance - this would be the FOURTH attempt.

these closing paragraphs are the epitome of my life right now, so be prepared

You know how things can't seem to get any worse? Yuh, well - we're in bed and he's awkward as ever ... and then asks me to tell him the truth. Did I sleep with this guy yesterday? For all my faults, I do have some restraint ... and besides, I wasn't in the mood the day before. I said, "absolutely not. I haven't been with anyone but you, SINCE you." That was true. But I'm not sure that last time we were together really counts. (If you didn't click on that link at the start of this post, then you should to understand what I mean right there)

some of you straight boys who read my blog may find the following a bit too much, but I really need you to stay the course so that the title of this post makes better sense

So, he really seemed to like that response. And he totally became a man. He pounced on me, laid me flat on my back and started whispering, "I wanna fuck you." That shit is HOT. I was actually really impressed. Totally, really impressed. I thought to myself:

wow, he's really stepping up and mak .........

He interrupts my thoughts with an, "uh oh."

THAT'S why he bought them pills the last time ........


The Jaded NYer said...

*Jaded's reaction to reading this post*

1- hand covered mouth, which was STUCK on JAW ON THE FLOOR

2- tears accumulating in my eyes in an effort to supress hysterical laughter at work, thus giving my boss ANOTHER reason to fire me

3- there is no three, but I just wanted to add... ROFLMFAO!! you know I love you babe but that shit was fucking HI-LARIOUS and I'm gonna be chuckling about it all freakin day!!!!!


JACK said...

Jaded -
1) Did I lie when I told you it was WORSE?
2) *blank stare yahoo emoticon at the tears in your eyes*
3) Glad I could make your day, carajo

Super Dave Van Buren said...

lmao.. so gay men deal with the same stuff as straight women?? maybe that's why they get along so well.

The F$%K it List said...

hmmm.. I don't think the ring is worth that frustration. Maybe Diamonds but Sterling nuh uh!

JACK said...

Super Dave - you have *NO* idea. If it weren't for ya' being so fucking IMPOSSIBLE maybe we wouldn't get along so well. But, alas ... it gives us PLENTY to talk about.

f$%K it - HELLO?!? I just got a text message from him asking me if I was tired cuz he was exhausted. UGH!

Anonymous said...

So this guy who clearly wants you in the Biblical sense can't complete the transaction after four tries. Uh yeah, but you are SO gonna end up strangled by this guy and he's going to be wearing your ass skin as a hat dancing in his basement. Tell Jaded to give me a call when she needs to avenge your death and hide his body somewhere.

JACK said...

Anon - I will let Jaded know that she's got reinforcements.

143 said...

LMAO only U jack Only U.... hey let me know when u r ready to retire that ring so that i can add it to the other 67 you have collected
Dam heart breaker

143 said...

LMAO only U jack Only U.... hey let me know when u r ready to retire that ring so that i can add it to the other 67 you have collected
Dam heart breaker said...

The FIRST thing I do when I meet a guy I might be interested in is explain to him in some seemingly random way that the only jewelry worth having comes in a blue box from Tiffany. That way you always have something from Tiffany long after he's gone.

The rest of the post involved things like emotions, love, caring about other people. Not really my forte. Can't comment on it, except I agree on the flowers. If I have to keep it alive, it better be a weed plant.

Btw, download "Just That Type of Girl" by Madame X. Listen to the words. It explains everything you need to know about when choosing a man.

Love ya!