Monday, February 23, 2009

Raping and Pillaging and Coking, oh my!

I've been on several dates in the past six months ... the great majority of them have been first dates. There's rarely date # 2. And just when I keep thinking that maybe the problem is ME, I realize that it's them.

My rational is that after date 1 I'm uninterested in them.

Anyway, invited dude out to lunch. And we went. He's been under so much stress lately and I've allowed him to bend my ear and this lunch date was no different. But you know what, i was happy to listen. I was actually INTERESTED in the things he was saying. I really didn't offer any brilliant words of wisdom or claim to possess some magic wand that would make things all better ... I just listened.

At the end of the date, we parted ways and he told me to call him after work. He's an officer of the law, and I spent the afternoon thinking about him. It was cute.

So, after work - I call him. I was half expecting him to invite me over, but I wasn't trying to be presumptuous. But he didn't have much to say ... just dead air over the phone. Although it was nice to share silence, you know - the kind that isn't uncomfortable - I wondered which train I would be getting on.

On the way to the train station, however, he began talking some sort of crazy. He was stressed, I get that. But he wondered about the end times and the end of the world and blah blah blah. He begins to sort of think out loud, not even to me in particular about what he would do if it was the end of the world. He said, and I quote

"I'd probably rape someone. And kill someone. But not in that order. Maybe I'd do crack. No, not crack - that's too much. Coke. I'd do coke."

Obviously, I knew which train I would be taking. He asked me what I would do if it was the end of the world.

"I'd be driving to my kids"

"Oh, come on."

"Seriously, I would."

"What if it was only 45 minutes?"

"I'd die on the way, I guess."

"Oh, you're one of those people who pretends to be all good and shit, but when the real time comes, you're just as evil as the rest of us"

I'm in awe. This man carries a GUN. LEGALLY!

I texted him on my way home, "I considered asking if you wanted company, but after the whole rape thing - I decided against it"

He was obviously annoyed, texting about he was just blowing off some steam.

Nigga, people play sports to blow off steam, contact sports usually ... or exercise EXTRA hard to blow off some steam ... Who the fuck considers rape to blow off some steam?

Crazy mother fuckers who have a better chance of dating Jesus seeing me again, that's who.


The Jaded NYer said...

Really? You're not going to see him again? But he seems like a real catch! And he's in law enforcement, so he probably has access to some real PRIMO COKE from the evidence locker.

I'm just sayin...

JACK said...

*reconsiders dating for primo coke*

The F$%K it List said...

No more seeing Mr Rap and Pillage. For the Love of God and your safety. He needs a shrink like pronto.

Super Dave Van Buren said...

lmao @ Crack being to much before the world ends. I think he just needs to stop talking for a while.

The F$%K it List said...

OMG you were the first thing on my mind as I read the newspaper this morning.. you can tell Mr Rape and Pillage he can get this video game:

and then lose your number

PhlyyGirl said...

ROFL@ rape and pillage.
Also tell him noone does coke anymore cause that's so 80's.
All the cool kids have moved on to crack.

But ummmmmm....yea, no on him LEGALLY having a gun.