Tuesday, November 25, 2008

It's not rocket surgery!

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have to play santa? I'm thinking, you put on a suit, stuff it with pillows and shit (or even a hula hoop!) and start ho - ho - ho -ing. Right? I mean, come on ... is it really that difficult to be santa? Does it really take a special skill, a special SANTA skill that you learn only at SANTA school and that only SANTA-ologists employ?

You might remember this video that I posted many moons ago, and you might think ... well, maybe:



But let's be honest - this was less of a santa skill that it was a test of overall stupidity. CLEARLY getting up on a snowy, sloped roof is a fucking BAD idea. And there obviously was no plan here, because as you can see ... the stupid mother fuckers didn't even bother to put a ladder, a step stool ... a huge inflatable canvas, etc. to get this stupid bastard off of the roof. He's lucky the damn cars were so close to the garage door. Otherwise, these kids, who obviously believe in Santa, would've seen Santa die.

If you remember Weird Al (am I dating myself), you might remember the night santa went crazy:



Or maybe, the word on the street is that Santa is "Straight Mobbin'"



Either way - my point is this ... is there really a shortage of santas? I mean, bitchez will dress up and make a fuckin video about the man pushin dope ... and there's "AN ACUTE SHORTAGE" of santas!? An acute fucking shortage!?

Well folks, there is - Germany is in dire fucking circumstances right now because they can't find enough santas to pay SEVENTY FIVE MOTHER FUCKING DOLLARS AN HOUR to do the fucking job. In this worldwide recession (but we're not calling it that). SEVENTY FIVE MOTHER FUCKING DOLLARS AN HOUR!

Why?

Because they have to be trained, according to this article, to park a few blocks away so the kids see them in sleighs and not cars ... and they need to have clean police records. These are some tough standards.

Damn, Germany ... seriously? Tell you what ... fly me in and I'll take three weeks off of work to play santa for $75 per hour. But ... I'll be working ten hour days, 7 days a week. Thanks.

- JACK "with a clean record" MARTINEZ

P.S. How do you say "Pony" in German again?

5 comments:

Darius T. Williams said...

Um, really - a shortage of Santas? I think Santa is being played out though - like for real. I hate to say it, but I think his days are numbered.

Super Dave Van Buren said...

if they pay me in euros I'll go.

The Jaded NYer said...

LMAO @ super dave!!!! Word! Pay me in euros, too, cuz the dollar ain't crap these days...

meanwhile, I'm STILL cracking up over the image of reindeers in therapy and straight jackets!!! Weird Al is CRAZY!!!!

JACK said...

Darius: I say dress up Santa like a Rockette, change him mantra from "Ho-Ho-Ho" to "heeeeeeyyyyyyy" and have him be from South Beach and he might make it.

Superdave: LOL - they WILL pay you in euros ... the equivalent of US$75 per hour, according to the article.

Jaded: I'd need therapy too if I were one of them bitchez ...

One Man’s Opinion said...

I've played Santa...It's not cute and the damn suit is hella hot! Plus, I don't wanna hear what the fuck kids want for Christmas. I figured it was okay to say "fuck" since you were all cussing and shit all up and through your post. Er, the same goes for the word "shit". For the record, this post could have waited until after Thanksgiving. I'm just say.

Happy Thanksgiving, Jack.