Sunday, November 2, 2008

Overwhelming JACK

Written two weeks ago

I find myself at home, late on a Saturday night. I know full well that people everywhere are getting all fancied up and preparing for a night out. There are condoms at the ready and a countless many will be discarded before dawn, wrapped in some sort of paper and forever separated from its wrapper. And I know full well that I'll have nothing to do with any of them.

And it's sitting well with me. I'm thrilled to be sittin' up in my place on this Saturday night. There's nowhere else I'd rather be, no one else I'd rather do ... but me.

I'm certain of few things - but one of them is definitely, assuredly, un-fucking-doubtedly this: Being at home and listening to the quiet is good for my soul. Especially tonight.

I can't say that I've had an especially hard week or anything ... but it's been a pensive one. I've considered many things, analyzed various aspects of my life and tried to bring into focus that which lies ahead of me in the near and distant future.

Things have just changed. I'm settled well in my new job, am getting accustomed to driving 500 miles a week and living in two cities ... and I can't really justify ignoring the impact of the decisions I've made in the past year by saying I'm in transition. I'm not. Not anymore. Not after this week.

Nothing special about this week, folks - just that I kind of just cocked my head to the side and exclaimed, "huh." And from that moment on, my mind has raced (in circles at times) and tried to make sense of the new world I live in ... of my relationships with all sorts of new people in my life now ...

And I've come up with at least this: Chicago represents so much in my life right now - it wasn't just happenstance that the one job offer came during the very week my last paycheck was scheduled and that it came from Chicago. Consider this:

  • I've said for years that I wanted to move to Chicago. It was a big city (like the kind I've missed for years now) and it was close enough that I could still be part of my children's lives. Their mother is hell bent on staying in Indianapolis and that bitch ain't moving anytime soon ... and at some point, I need to to me ... I thought.

  • I decided that moving away from my kids was unbearable. I didn't do it - and I stayed miserable in a job that I hated. It was making me physically ill. As soon as my front tires hit the asphalt in that driveway (EVERY DAY) my anxiety would palpably skyrocket. And I did it for my kids.

  • But the decision was made for me and eventually that job and I came to a consensus - I couldn't stand being there and they were tired of me being miserable. I walked in that Friday and within 30 minutes, I was walking out jobless. And it felt GOOD. An eery calm went through me and I smiled on my way out. Some divine peace, really. It was weird.

  • All that anxiety for like two years folks. And the Lord gave me six weeks to do abso-fucking-lutely nothing. I ended up redoing my kitchen. LOL. It was fun.

So, I get a job offer from Chicago - they'll allow me to telecommute once to three times per week ... the pay is better ... and VOILA. No stressful job. I am dealing better with the ex wife than I ever did before. I have my kids EVERY weekend (yay!) and I know a lot more people know than I did just 8 months ago.

Yuh - so Chicago is my sanity, my haven of rest, my fulfilled wish, my Xanax ...

So, what can I say ...I had forgotten about this post and just found it in my drafts ... I had called JADED just yesterday to have her talk me off of the proverbial ledge (thank you, hawwwnnneyyy!) and she was so there for me.

Apparently, I have left a lot of shit undone ... and I got an email from my instructor that we should've had five assignments turned in and I only had two turned in. I was like WTF! And it turns out that I totally missed an assignment. I thought I was two assignments behind ... but no. It was three. That means I was six weeks behind in my school work. fuck fuck fuck.

So, we decided that I needed to focus on school work and I did. I actually completed an assignment last night! And so now I'm only four weeks behind. And today I actually did some reading so that I could complete one more assignment (a submission in our class discussion forum, not one of the graded assignments I missed) and I will complete it by the end of the day tomorrow.

And by the end of this week, I will complete one more of the assignments that I missed and turn it in. I see a light at the end of the week ... and it feels good.

Obviously, I need to get my shit together, embrace the life I have and stop moping around like I'm some gay, Puerto Rican Eeyore ...

I don't live in no 100 Acre Wood.

(mmmm .. wood.)


The Jaded NYer said...

how funny that I was giggling at "wood" too and then I saw your parenthetical comment?


PS- get your shit done! I'm doing mine, and you don't want to be the one falling behind MY procrastinatin' ass...

Super Dave Van Buren said...

Reflection is always a good thing. But don't waste schoolwork time reflecting.. lol

Tim said...

Necesitamos comenzar a colgar hacia fuera. I'm finding your blog to be very interesting.

JACK said...

Jaded: I love us! ANd I didn't finish that other assignment. *runs away*

Superdave: Your logical thought process is annoying me. Stop it!

Tim: awww - I like your blog too! Aren't we just the cutest ...