Monday, October 13, 2008

JACK off-kilter

If you know me well, you know that (all things considered) I'm pretty normal. Although as I sit here and type, I'm not so sure that's really saying much. Normal is such an ambiguous term and we all come from one measure of dysfunction or another, right? But, it is an absolute miracle that my upbringing resulted in ANY semblance of normal - I promise you. Statistics say I should be dusty, wearing baggy ass jeans that don't fit my waist, walking with a pronounced strut, scarred by bullets, knifes and random sharp objects, spending all my waking hours in pursuit of the next high and any crime that would send me back to jail where it's nice and cozy, I get three meals a day and don't really have to do much.

But, on the contrary. I'm clean cut (not dusty), wear business casual on the regular (as opposed to baggy jeans), walk upright (without a pronounced strut), have no real scars other than from that surgery on my wrist and have never been cuffed (so sad, but true), let alone carted off to jail. All those things being said - I'm wont to periodically lose my mother FUCKING mind and be pissed off at nothing in particular and not want to see another soul because even the very presence of them would set me off and I would definitely need to find something to fight about.

Like today.

I woke up hella late ... got to work at noon and I'm in the ONLY funk. I have been trying to figure out the trigger. Could it have been that drinking binge last week? I mean, I was one drink away from being the next Captain on the bottle .... each night .... but wouldn't I be feeling like this LAST week, then?

And then it hit me.

me: is this our PMS week? Cuz I'm wanting to fuck someone up for no reason. Check your calendar. I need answers

JADED: right on schedule

me: why! why! WHY AM I CYCLING WITH YOU!

JADED: I'm the dominant bitch in this relationship. LMAO!

me: dominate THIS, pendeja

We've had this conversation before, Jaded and I ... and I've realized that I get into a rhythm rather easily. I get cool with a bitch, and suddenly her moon rises and falls over me too. WTF! I suppose it's the same "thing" within me that has me picking up accents really fast. I mean, if I spent ONE WEEK in the deep south (saaaayyyy, Mississippi!), I'd have a funny ass drawl (like from, saaaaayyyy, Mississippi!).

I'm impressionable, I suppose. So impressionable that I will need an alibi when I beat the living fuck out someone today. I mean, I want to swing boards with rusty nails protruding from the ends ... and I doubt I'd get off on account that JADED is the dominant bitch in our relationship. So, if anyone asks ... I was with you. ALL AFTERNOON.

Got it?

me. there. with you. ALLLLLLLLL afternoon.

Thanks.

*scurries down hall*

9 comments:

The Jaded NYer said...

Great.

So now that the whole blogosphere knows I'm PMSing...

c'mere... I got that board with the nail in it you were asking about. And it has your freakin name all over it, carajo!!!

dique dominate this... oh I WILL, BIOTCH!!!!

%$&$%#$$(%$$#$%%^$%$$^%!!!!!!!!!!!

JACK said...

Mhmm - the power of the "pen," as they say. Sigue jodiendo ... SIGUE!

The Jaded NYer said...

Y todavia quieres mas??

Mira, carajon canto de cabron... no haga que yo me monte en un avion a caerte ensima, okay????

GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

JACK said...

Suddenly, I feel much better having transferred my aggression over to you. Thanks!

Disregard my call for an alibi, folks! I managed to smile.

The Jaded NYer said...

WHY YOU LITTLE...

*stabs office assistant repeatedly with exacto knife*

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!?!

JACK said...

ME MEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The F$%K it List said...

The fact that you two are having an entire conversation in the comment section makes me fall off the bed in laughter.

Super Dave Van Buren said...

Hmmm that's alot of spanish. I'll just ignore it and just laugh that you get PMS symptoms without all the mess of bleeding... lmao

JACK said...

f$%k it - we're funny. Ask us - we'll tell you. ;-)

Superdave - if I start bleeding I'm going to really have to get a hysterectomy (sp?)