Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The Gay Patch

I was talking to my boss, as I'm wont to do whenever we're in the same room. And a conversation ensued about Pirates. He was talking about some show he saw that explained why Pirates wore eye patches. It was one those conversations you pretend to find interesting because it's your boss - you know, the ones where you're mentally making the grocery list but also nodding agreeably and smiling as if you were intrigued.

Only, I stopped making the grocery list and I actually found myself genuinely interested in what he had to say. Now, you must know that my boss is an engineer, of the typical grade. His ilk tends to overthink things and finds humor in things the average person just doesn't get. Now, I have an engineering degree, and I can follow him just fine, but the degree does not an engineer make - trust me. I am NOT of that ilk, and my creating and maintaining JACK should be proof enough for you.

I've known him for more than 8 years and have worked for him for a good chunk of that time. He's ever so slightly socially awkward, but thank God I went to engineering school and spent all those years pulling my hair out trying to communicate with my classmates because it helped me deal with this man. He's really a good person and is unmatched by anyone in the industry - he really knows his shit. Technically, that is. He really couldn't manage his way out of an opened-top cardboard box - but he knows his engineering stuff better than anyone I know.

And I'm not kidding about the management dig. We were having a conversation about the week's work and I mentioned that things would be slowed a bit since my counterpart, also his direct report, was on vacation. He said that he didn't know she was on vacation until that morning.

wait - isn't this the dude who approved her vacation time? Why yes - yes it is.

In a former life, when I was working for him at our previous employer, we had a rotten, snotty bitch for an admin. And she totally made best pals with his wife, and he totally didn't stop it. And then she started getting mouthy at work and acting like she owned the place and he was afraid to discipline her because that was his wife's friend. So, usually - this admin and I ended up having words ... and even then, he's do nothing.

Oh, and did I mention that he he marked me down on my last performance appraisal because I couldn't get my counterpart here to change her behavior? You know, the one who reports to HIM. And even after I told him that she and I have the same title and she just won't pay me mind when I make suggestions - he still marked me down. Whatever - I've learned to let him win the little battles. It made him feel good.

At any rate, so when he starts explaining that he did some research into it to verify what he learned about Pirates, I knew right then and there that I didn't have to google it to verify it myself. If this man said it's true - it simply is. Trust me - he's an engineer and when he says he researched it, it means he's spent counteless hours on it and REALLY knows it's true.

So, why do Pirates wear patches over their eyes? It's so they can see better.

Yes, I know it sounds stupid - like, why the hell would you cover your ears in order to HEAR better - but shut up and follow me here ...

Pirates needed to be resilient and have spot-on reaction time. And I'm not talking about these Somali pirates that chase down ocean liners in rowboats (I seriously have NO idea how the captains of these gi-nourmous ships can't fend off those fuckin canoes the somalis pass off as pirate ships) I'm talking about the "ARRRGGGHHHH," "YO HO HO!" pirates of old who shot cannons and sported hooks for fingers. Them. THEY needed reaction time like no other. So they wore a patch.

Out on the ocean in the middle of day - it's pretty bright. So they would wear a patch so that if they had to go down under the deck, they could close the unpatched eye, lift up their patch and be able to see in the dark without having to wait for their pupils to dialate. Likewise, when they came back up onto the deck they would flip the patch back over the eye and not have to wait to adjust to the sunlight.

I had NO fucking idea. And I thought it very interesting.

And then I considered the various sides of me - in particular the fact that I don't necessarily wear my sexuality on my sleeve in professional environments. I mean, if I'm in a club, I'll WHINE with the best of them ok - but at work? Yuuuuhhhhh, but NO.

This shit is hard to do wearing a shirt, tie and slacks:

And I think I handle it pretty well. And I really wish my gay bruthas would all do the same. Just because you a bottom doesn't mean you have to remove the steel from your wrists permanently and wear daisy dukes to go out and wash your car in the driveway. I think there needs to be some kind of decorum in there somewhere ... honey, you go on and shake your ass any- and everywhere over there on Halstead, but for the love of God, when you're off to your day job, THIS IS NOT NECESSARY:

Some semblance of this would really be nice. I spent some time on their Web site and I would like to quote them in relation to this post because I'm

"not saying masculine guys are better – but we are different. Our point is that there’s more than one way to be gay. Which ought to be a given in a community that talks about diversity as much as ours does. It’s a sad fact that some gay people buy into – even cling to – the very stereotypes they often complain about. We think it’s important to question both the way gay culture relies on stereotypes to define itself, and the paradoxes that can result. Having a sense of humor about it helps, too. Learning to criticize our own culture, listening to other points of view, and providing more (not fewer) choices, are the hallmarks of a mature community."

So there - now you know why I'm funny. And hopefully you understand the title of this post and where I went with this. And if not ... bitch, BOOM!

*walks away*


Anonymous said...

He really couldn't manage his way out of an open cardboard box. So simplistic in the visual, but so dead on. Perfect way to capture DF's essence.

RunningMom said...

Shisha is a baaaaaad bitch. Damn!

And the purple eyeshadow dude... too much, just too much. I get why some men want to look/dress like women, but why would a gay man be attracted to a guy that is trying to look like a girl? If they wanted a girl...wouldn't they just be hetero?