Tuesday, June 16, 2009

First Love - It gets better

Well, we've been messaging back and forth on facebook for a few days now and push finally came to shove. And we rehashed what was our relationship some 11 years ago. ELEVEN. Am I a glutton for this kind of punishment? Why did I do this? I'm emotional right now and I'm not even sure what to do. So, I'm here.

He mentioned that he hasn't been in a relationship with a Hispanic since college. I asked, "who?!? me?" and he said yes. I explained that some months ago i began to wonder if he even considered me an ex- because all I can remember is that he left me, without any explanation, because his momma didn't want to accept his sexuality.

He said that of course he did. And what followed I was not prepared for. I don't even know where to start - because I don't know how it all happened. It's all a whirlwind of emotion and I can't remember who said what first and in what order we discussed them. So don't hold me to the specific order.

I came clean first, though. I did say that he was really hard to get over. That surprised him because he figured I went straight right after him and got married and had kids and he just figured I forgot about him. On the contrary, my friend - I just had a good poker face. Since I wasn't out, and was before I met him 21, a virgin and really confused .. I just didn't have anyone to turn to to sort through my emotions and what to do next.

I had no support system - no one knew I was with him, because I was away at college ... and no one knew I even liked men ... and counseling was never really something I even considered ... so i figured it out on my own. As much as I loved that man ... it was real, intense and deep ... and if it didn't work with HIM, then I was just not even going to bother with men at all. That's the stupid decision I came to.

He was floored, it seems. And said, "you never forget your first love." He was sexually active for years before he met me, and I knew that. I knew that I couldn't possibly be his first anything, and I figured I'd let him revel in this thing he has over me. He was my first.

He goes on to detail how we met. He remembered every minute detail ... he was working behind the counter at the campus center and this nigga remembered what I ordered (cheeseburger, curly fries)... that he took great care to make it ... and that my exact words were, "Thanks, man." I find it curious and keep interrupting. "Would you just listen," he says. Ok.

He remembers the first time I kissed him - where it was, who was there, what we were doing. He details it all for me. All of it. And says, "JACK, you were my first love."


For years after, he compared every man to me. If he didn't measure up, he says, they were "thrown out." For years he did this, until someone loved him through it - and they were together for 4.5 years. Now, however, the man has trust issues and their relationship has ended. But that's what it took.


I admit to him that when I found out he lived in Louisville, less than a 2 hour drive away, after my divorce ... that I actually paid for a people search to find him and I had several numbers to call him. I never called though because I was afraid he'd reject me and I couldn't do that again. I actually tried to get my cousin to make the calls, but she wouldn't recognize his voice. I admit this all knowing full well that he's going to think I'm a stalker. but I'm putting it all out on the table. "I did the same thing," he says to me.


Yes, folks - he paid the same fee, found a list of people in this city with my name and got through 3 calls before thinking it was stupid.

Now we live 700 miles apart, someone loved him through it and he's in a new relationship, and I'm not sure how I feel about all of this.

What should I feel right now, knowing he said that he really wished I had made calls when I got those Louisville numbers? Obviously, I'm not trying to start some shit here - so don't tell me to move to NY and beat the fuck out his current boyfriend ... I just need to know HOW to feel.

Flattered that he did love me after all? Grateful that he admitted it to me? I just feel WEIRD and I don't know what to do with it. HELP!


Ty said...

Wow!!! Well, I think you know not to just pack up your bags and move out here to see what happens. But at the same time, I would say, stay in contact with him. Don't break up a happy home but be a friend and develop your relationship even more. Relationships around here don't typically last long (sad to say) so he may be single soon and maybe you two can explore that unfinished chapter.

JACK said...

Thank you to all who've commented, either here, on twitter via text or IM.

Thank you, Jaded, for yelling at me to stop wasting your time if I wasn't going to move to NY to be with him. Your candor is refreshing. Yet, I'm not sure I'm going to cease and desist. You always my gurl, tho. (Do you still have company?)

Ty - I will keep in touch with him. He's going to call me sometimes this week when his schedule permits - apparently, he's involved in all these pride activities and is busy as fuck - blah blah blah. I'm ready for that conversation though.

Gio - I love you too, boo. I really needed to face the love issue ... I really needed that. Indeed, I'm worthy of having someone love me. yes.

Mr. Robertson - keep tweeting ... Your DM's are always welcome. Sorry this almost made you cry!

Miss P said...

i know i'm adding my two cents late, but i went through a similar situation. my first love joined the military after he garduated and i was in my senior year. he was stationed overseas, and we were making plans for me to join him. suddenly, he breaks up with me. it took me a long time to get over. it wasnt until 2 years ago, when he found me on myspace, that i learned his mother convinced him me moving to germany would ruin my life and if he really loved me he should let me go. he did it because he thought it was best for me.

i am so glad we had that convo because it brought me much needed closure, even though i had already managed to get over the hurt. and we still love each other, but time and circumstance keeps us as just first loves.