Wednesday, June 10, 2009

First Love, Revisited

I created a facebook account recently. I had been avoiding it like the plaques of Egypt because it just screamed "MORE STUFF TO DO" and seriously, I've got plenty already. However, after some thought on the matter, and listening to my coworkers talk about keeping in touch with their families I figured I'd give it a try.

Through the page of a friend, I ran across the FB page of MY FIRST. There he was with smoe retarded picture that wasn't of him on his profile - but it was his profile. I forced through the difficulty it was to write him a note, but I did it. I wasn't sure what I was expecting and I wasn't sure if it was the fact that he was my first EVERYTHING or if it was the fact that there was this pseduo love triangle thing going on in college that pinned him as a pawn. (I was a vindictive little bitch, I really was)

At any rate - a couple of days went by with no answer and I figured it was just as well that he hated me and I didn't have to deal with his ass.

Today was supposed to be a good day. I had morning sex with a bike messenger (and that's really all I'm going to say about it - it was supposed to be a good day!) and I sauntered along the sidewalk on my way to work ready to get a lot accomplished.

But later in the morning - there was an emailed response. It was an interesting response. "JACK? JACK from *enter alma mater here*?" I couldn't figure out if it was a dig (hey I don't really remember you) or if it was just a natural reaction - like, REALLY?

And there was chit chat a bit and all the while, I could FEEL it. That same feeling I used to feel when I was heartbroken, distraught and thought the world unfair because I was deeply in love with someone who wouldn't give me the time of day anymore. (In the end, it turned out he told his momma about me and she said that she couldn't be in his life if he was gay, so he dropped me because he didn't wanna lose his momma. How the hell do you break through that? You don't ... that's how) Except, it was way less intense. But it was there.

And I've heard it said before that you always remember your first - but this shit is fucking with me. Remember the bike messenger? CLEARLY this isn't on my mind 24/7, or even at all some 12 years later ... but the interaction made me remember.

Does that make sense?

Seriously, I sent a friend request and perused his pictures. Nothing. None of that desire to stare at his pictures like I used to when I was a confused little jack with no real understanding of my sexuality and no real outlet to discuss it with anyone. Nope.

Just a look at a few pictures and me thinking, "this nigga need to eat."

But that "something" is there and I'm having trouble putting to words what that something is. Like, I think if I dwelled on it I could conjure up those emotions I felt, because I felt them so strongly and for so long that, yuh - I'm pretty sure I could do it again. But I've no real desire to do so, only a desire to investigate this enigmatic emotion that makes absolutely no logical sense to me.

It's just so weird. I guess he looks the same - considering I haven't even seen an image of him in his 20s. He was 19 then ... he's 30 now. But, seriously, he needs to eat.

Interestingly enough he mentioned that my kids are beautiful ... letting me know that he commnuincates still with my ex-wife (we all went to college together) ... and yes, she knows he's my ex. In fact, that's her ex too.

I know - such drama. But that was 12 years ago and so not worth rehashing. I was involved in so much drama back then that it's no wonder I pretty much stick to my own. For all the stories JACK has ... I'm really a homebody.

I'm serious. Ask the couch.

That's where I am usually.

Oh, and I'm getting a new couch on Saturday. I can't wait. I'll have to break it in with some mvoie night with the babies.

And yes - they really are beautiful.

(And yes, I'm raelly not sure I should have opened this can of worms)


RunningMom said...

"Interestingly enough he mentioned that my kids are beautiful ... letting me know that he communicates still with my ex-wife (we all went to college together) ... and yes, she knows he's my ex. In fact, that's her ex too."

Um wow. ok then!