The Truth is ...

... that I am post-dating this entry, and you may or may not read it. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or not. Truth be told, sometimes I just LIKE to wallow in disappointments. And I'm totally aware that that's because my life has been riddled with them since childhood (since the womb, but that's a totally different issue) and it's one of those things that's become commonplace - that sense of almost there, but never arriving ... as if my life is asymptotic to the threshhold to happiness. I'm ever close, but never there.

And deep down inside there brews a recent disappointment - a dude I really liked, who seemed to really like me and then who seemed to have fallen into a black hole somewhere, contacting me less and less and then not at all. In true JACK form, I made contact and texted this:

"am I EVER going to see you again? You've been avoiding me like I'm some sor tof plague"

"I'm sure we will - honestly, I've been getting to know this really cool dude for the past two weeks."

I really needed that. I had to just know it - just hear it - just read it. But the thing that sticks out is that timeline. You met "this really cool dude" AFTER you met me, considering we've been speaking for a couple of months. That part sucked ass. But, I'm grown and totally accept it. I'm not trying to be no fool for no nigga ... so, he's out my phone, BEEN off my buddy list and deleted all emails. It's just easier if it's out of sight.

Anyone ever do that? Or is it just me? I mean, remember back in the day when warner brothers had that series of cartoons that had this floating hand with a pencil eraser in it and it would just erase parts of the scene? Like, Daffy Duck would be talking, and then the pencil would erase his beak. I loved those cartoons. And I SO want one of those erasers.

But before I digress too far - although the issue itself is what it is and I can handle it (hell, I done broadcast to all ya that it happened) the thematic elusiveness of the things that could make me happy annoys the fuck out of me. It's not that situation per se, not it alone. Because since then I've considered that I've gained weight that I need to lose and I was where I wanted my ideal weight to be and I let that go ... that I used to be credit card debt free but that the last 18 months have been a strain ... and that isn't so anymore.

The list goes on and on and I am trying REALLY hard not to wallow. I have been jovial as FUCK at work today ... had people laughing all day (see yesterday's post - LAWD did I get a lot of mileage out of that) ... and all I can do is ignore that nagging reality that sits there in the periphery of my days ... this sucks.

But ain't no nigga done give me my joy - and no nigga can take it away.

(Even if I have to fake it til I make it)

So, tell me - for real - am I the only one?