The L Word, among other things

THIS is lube. It comes in many different fancy packages, and in many different names, but can always be found in one of two places: the pregnancy planning aisle, or the feminine hygiene products aisle. Sometimes, you can find it in both places. Go ahead - take a trip to the market and take a look. It can actually be a lot of fun. Lube is used during sexual activity to make things ... well ... there's nothing like a well-oiled machine, right? You know what happens to the engine of a car if you drive 90 mph with all the engine oil drained, right?

THESE here ... now THESE are Lotions. You can usually find them in the toiletry aisle - you know, where the toothpaste, razors and shampoos are. They also come a variety of packages. And here's the kicker - it's for external use only ... like everything else in the toiletry aisle. Much like you should never chow down on some Colgate and chance it with that whitening mouth wash ... you should never, EVER use Lotion as Lube.

Got it? I have done it for the last mother fucking time. THE LAST TIME. The first time, I gave it whirl and it wasn't all that great. THe second time, I kinda forgot about the first time and needed a reminder. But if a third time, I'm just stupid. Remember when I said that you needed to invest in a decent mattress? Invest in some fucking Lube too, dammit. Don't fret the cost - just DO IT ... because the next time you come at me shaking that bottle of Palmers it's YOU who's going to need it - because I'm ghost.

BUY LUBE - cuz I don't give a fuck how many times you've used it and that you've never had any complaints. You know why when you use Lotion, you SMELL like lotion? Because it's fucking scented, bitch - that's why. And I ain't givin up no ass if all you got is Lotion.

It stings, and nobody wants to smell cocoa butter all damn week.