Thursday, January 28, 2010

On a serious note ...

I don't feel like finding pictures and shit right now - so, consider this the Catcher in the Rye version of JGC.

24 Days
I have not had a cigarette in 24 days. I'm fucking amazed at myself. I started smoking some 15 years ago and although I had this notion in my head that I could not smoke forever, and knew that I had to eventually quit ... I didn't actually think I was going to. But, I did.

It's an interesting thing to find new triggers that I didn't realize were triggers. I got into the car to drive to Indianapolis and I started to pay my pocket to make sure I had my cigarettes - and I stopped myself. I really wanted a cigarette? Why? Because they characterized every road trip I've ever taken. Yet, now I drive and don't smoke. And I don't get road rage either! Bonus.

To crush or not to crush ... that is the question
Admittedly, I've been crushing on this boy and I'm just totally tired of it. It's kinda of a knack of mine, though, to want what is not available to me ... at one time it was DL men, at another time it was married men, and now gay men in relationships. It's funny that I've gone through it so much that I can just shoo it away like an annoying, buzzing fly.

That didn't used to be the case - those who have known me the longest can attest to the fact that JACK has been known to hold on to some nonsense ... like that gay dude who lived 700 miles away who I met online and I longed for for three years ... having never met him. Yuh - that was a str8 mess. (so to speak)

But I don't have years anymore. I don't think I even have months in me anymore. I'm fucking great - because if I don't think so, who the hell will?!?! - and I really need to do better by me. And so - NOT to crush, it is.

That's how many posts JGC is approaching. JGC is definitely the longest relationship I've had. Unless you count the 7 years I spent with the ex-wife. But she's a girl - so I don't count her.

Anyway - I've got to do something big for post 300, I think. I don't know what it is, though. No idea at all. I don't have much time, though ... maybe I'll just squat on it (again, so to speak).

Any ideas?


gee said...

i like to smoke sometimes ... and i use to love to smoke in the car. i dont know what it was about the car, but i loved it. it was some sort of entertainment for me i think.

why do you think you crush so much on unavailable men? hmm...interesting.

JACK said...

Gee - there's a WHOLE lot to why I do it. Thing is, I'm totally self-aware and know exactly why I do it ... but I'm only just realizing that I have to truly change within instead of trying to just try to force an attraction to those available to me.

Ty said...