One Picture = 1,000 Words

MY LOVE LETTER

Dear Carbohydrate,

I’ve had my eye on you for years and am finally getting up the courage to tell you. I know this may be hard to believe, but I’ve secretly crushed on you my whole life. I know, I know – it sounds so cliché, but I’m so serious. Whenever you’re around, I just feel so safe, fulfilled, satisfied … happy. Just happy. And I think it’s about time you knew … Carbohydrate, I love you!

JACK

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

PS: Do you love me too?

___ Yes

___ No

___ Maybe

I just don't get it

I've learned a hard lesson - don't get caught up in no credit agreement with no nigga, no matter how long you've been dating. (So you can totally skip any comments on how STUPID a decision this was to make in the first place - I already know)

I just can't explain the decision THAT MOTHER FUCKER is making by not wanting to buy the car he's been driving for the last 18 months. The title, registration and insurance is in my name and he pays a "monthly" payment to me ("monthly" is the CP Time equivalent of monthly) and it's been more than 4 months since we called our relationship quits.

So, I let him know that he should get a loan or something to buy the car from me ... in fact, I didn't even name a price - I told him to make an offer. And I promise you, I was willing to accept 25% of what I owe on it to stop the madness - he just needed to make an offer. And I gave him three months to do it.

But no, it seems the mfer is squatting and now talking about small claims court to force me to honor our verbal contract. Really?!? Your stupid ass wants to continue to pay your ex-boyfriend for the car you drive?

I need some objectivity here - so, please feel free to comment. What is this shit about? Is he afraid to actually be self-sufficient? Is it something to hang on to the past with? Is he just lazy about trying to secure a loan? I don't understand - it's $2000 and even with the highest of interest rates, it's less than $100 a month on a 36-month term.

Um, you should know that I have fought court battles before, in family court re: child custody, and small claims court isn't at all scary to me. I'm just really, truly confused about what this man is really thinking - I just don't get it. He has no history of timely payments, there was never any discussion about doing this indefinitely and I've gotten emails about how he was in the hospital and didn't send a check, or was out of work and was on unemployment or that a money order was lost in the mail and it takes 60 days to cancel it. So, yuh - not afriad of small claims court if the stupid mfer wants to take it there.

Again - my issue is this:

REALLY?!?!??!?!??

Two birds, one stone

This is my homage to George Carlin ... and also to Jaded. She'll comment and you'll see why.





George, you was a funny mfer - sorry this was so late. If you're up above, put in a good word for me. Of course, the possibility is remote, but you can't blame a guy for trying.

Lions & Tigers and Bears, Oh My …

So, do you remember that date I went on? Well, if you didn’t read about it – please take a moment to do so now. Or don’t – I really don’t care.

Let me just recap by saying – it was an interesting date. And that since then, I made sure to point out to said date that I am NOT looking for a relationship but we can kick it. And he agreed. Sounds fine, right? I mean – It’s a win-win. I get some play and you get to shut up for a while. Right?

Well, it didn’t quite turn out that way … consider the following text convo:

JACK: Is grunting sexy?

JADED: To an ox, yes.

I was on the train and proceeded to laugh out loud all by myself and I’m sure I looked crazy. But I don’t care – it was funny. But I was asking because “during the do” this dude grunted periodically. Yes, GRUNTED. And this is a first for me … Don’t get me wrong, silent sex is ridiculous (leave that for the baseball players) and I’m all about turning up the volume … but, grunting?

GRUNTING?!?!?!!

I remember opening my eyes wide (probably with an eyebrow raised) and staring at the far wall for a second there because I thought it strange. But it happened several more times and I’ve learned the hard way

ANIMAL SOUNDS ARE NOT SEXY

So, please – PLEASE spread the word around. And let people know, because if the next mother fucker I bed starts to chirp like a canary, I’m seriously gonna call the ASPCA.

Thank you – that’s all.

Have you seen this poster?

This National Geographic photo does a little something for me. I don't know what it is: perhaps the perfect drape of the afghan over the arm of the chair, or the effortless blend of the elephant's trunk into the branches of the tree that would make you maybe miss the very existence of the elephant in the print if you didn't really, REALLY pay attention, or perhaps the masterful use of soothing shades of reds, oranges and yellows ... whatever it is, this print is one of the most amazing I have seen. And I want it.

It's title is AFRICAN SUNSET and it's by National Geographic. However, all I have been able to find is a wall mural that takes up 54 GODDAM square feet of wall space. Um, yeah - but NO.


So, I have had some trouble trying to find a print that is (ideally) about 3' X 5' (or whatever the proportions are) to hang in my living room. The colors are perfect (I just put up curtains) and I want this like, like ... like a panhandler wants a quarter.

"Excuse me, blog reader - can you help me out?"

My first Open Letter

Published at: http://news.yahoo.com/nphotos/Most-Emailed-Photos-huge-tornado-funnel-cloud-touches-down-Orchard-Iowa-Tuesday-June/ss/1756/im:/080613/480/da7c9d5f752c47d2a2d2866abfa3b12b

Is this picture:




by the associated press (did I credit enough?) with the following caption:
A huge tornado funnel cloud touches down in Orchard, Iowa, Tuesday, June 10, 2008 at 9:04 p.m. The Globe Gazette and Mitchell County Press News reported that Lori Mehmen of Orchard, took the photo from outside her front door. Mehmen said the funnel cloud came near the ground and then went back up into the clouds. Besides tree and crop damage, no human injuries were reported.
(AP Photo/Lori Mehmen)


Open Letter to Lori Mehmen:

Are you a stupid, crazy bitch or were you a kamikaze in a former life and are experiencing one of those weird “the former me is taking over the me I am today” phenomena? Let me tell you how MY people do when there’s a tornado:

We run like mother fuckers, knock over children and the elderly even, and we get our asses in the basement. What we don’t do is stroll on inside, grab the Kodak and head to the front door. You’re white, aren’t you?

If Darwinism is at all true, we’ll be rid of your stupid ass in no time – meanwhile, for the love of GOD, don’t have children.

Thanks.

JACK

Parenting Is Hard as Hell

Today my son told me he had a secret – he whispered in my ear that his sister had a boyfriend. His sister is 6. Needless to say, this was not news that made me happy, especially considering:

 They are both told that they are not to have boyfriends or girlfriends until they finish college. Obviously, this is unrealistic – but they understand that it isn’t an option right now
 We were on the playground with my friend and her kids and it wasn’t something I could deal with right away.

While that second one didn’t make me happy – it was for the best. Jack had come down off of the proverbial rafters quite a bit by the time I broached the subject some 4 hours later at the diner over dinner.

My daughter’s initial reaction was to yell at her brother for telling. Perhaps you agree – this was so not the issue. I argued that she has no idea who told me and that I wanted to just understand what was going on. So, she proceeds to tell me, reluctantly – at one point telling me that she really didn’t want to discuss this topic.

Well, people in hell don’t want to be all hot and shit, either – but we can’t all have what the fuck we want. So keep them pipes a-singin’ dammit!

Understanding that NOT telling was no longer an option – we chatted. He has black skin just like she does … he has black hair … they have a secret hiding spot … he’s not back at daycare until June …. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT – what was that last thing again? He’s not back in – NO DAMMIT, NOT THAT ONE … THE ONE BEFORE IT …

This secret hiding spot is behind the bookcase. At this point, JACK was ON FI-YAH, and I don’t mean like a flaming faggot, either … I mean, my temperature was through the mother fuckin roof, and I could’ve easily broiled a steak with my venomous breath! But you couldn’t tell … Like a duck, a was all nice and graceful on the surface even though I was paddling like HELL underneath …

So, what kinds of stuff do you do in your secret hiding spot, sweetie. “Well, we talk and read together.” He’s a year older than she is and I’m relieved at this response. Interestingly enough, my son is there and he makes it a point to tell me, “Daddy, I don’t have a girlfriend. I’m not allowed until I finish college.”

In an effort not to endanger his life when I wasn’t around and the two of them were alone together, I did NOT look at my daughter and say, SEE THIS, YOU LITTLE HEIFFER – THE *four* YEAR OLD KNOWS THE DAMN RULES! No, Jack simply said, “very good, son.” Remember, nice and graceful on the outside, Jack … NICE and gracefull.

So, the kids need to go potty and while they’re in there – I’m speed dialing their mom.

Soooooo – what are YOU doing?

Nothing. About to go over this friends house Why?

I have something to tell you.

Ok.

Your Daughter has a boyfriend.

What?!?!

Right

“Wait, WHAT?!?!?

Yuh, your son told me – and I just confronted her about it – and yup – it’s true.

WHAT?!?!?

It gets better.

Mhmm.

They have a secret hiding spot.

WHAT?!?!?

Right.

WHAT?!?!?!

And despite all of this – she’s upset ONLY because she’s afraid I’m going to tell you and she knows you’ll get mad.

*laughter through phone*

*quizzical look on Jack’s face, like she really did maybe lose her mind*

*laughter*

Ok, look, I’m thinking you need to come over here and we need to deal with this united.

*blah blah blah* (She can’t cuz her friend, blah blah blah)

Look, I’ve been fucking good with this – she’s not LIT up and I’m calmly dealing with this … Ya’ should be proud of me … but you gonna leave me to take this shit home to deal with alone?!?

Just ask her what’s the difference between a boyfriend and a friend who’s a boy and see where it goes so we know what she’s thinking.

Good idea.

Except it wasn’t such a good idea. Because I wasn’t prepared for the answer. Let me digress for a minute and admit to you that JACK goes absolutely blank whenever there’s an issue with that girl. I mean, with my son, I’m cool. But my daughter is so mother fucking smart, it’s scary. Valedictorian of all 6 year olds, it seems. And she be asking me some real off the wall shit and I just don’t know what to say. So, that I have managed to deal with this situation TO THIS CALIBER this far, is fucking amazing, ok? I mean, AMAZING. That girl will, at six years old will come out with some shit like, “I don’t necessarily agree with that daddy because ….”

And I usually just stare. Because she speaks that properly and I can’t join together the words with the six year old speaking them to me. I usually just stutter. So, this was a good idea in theory – because when I asked her, she said that the difference was with a boyfriend you talk about your emotions.

SHE’S FUCKING 6, PEOPLE!!!!!!! SIX!!!!!!!!

Um … so, what exactly does he say and do to help you? And what are you telling him?

Well, I tell him when I’m sad.

And what does he do?

He draws me a picture.

Ok, so this is all on a real-life six year old level. I get that. BOYFRIEND to her does not mean the same as it does to me (in many more ways than one) and I’m ok with that. But EMOTIONS?!?!? What to do, What to do … where’s the phone … can’t call .. what to do … what to do …

To be continued. I can’t anymore right now …

Happy Ending

Rules:
1. Put Your itunes/ music player on Shuffle
2.For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT!!!
After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the same themselves!

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Midnight (Omarion)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Vanishing (Mariah) [I’m not liking this game]

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
All on me (Sean Paul) [Well, maybe it’s not THAT bad]

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Cherry Pie (Jennifer Lopez) [I’m a leave it alone]

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
I love me some him (Toni Braxton) [I hate that this might actually be true]

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Poor Unfortunate Souls (Ursula - Little Mermaid Soundtrack) [Thanks, kids]

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Kiss the girl (Sebastian – Little Mermaid Soundtrack) [Ok, this is HYSTERICAL!]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Go Away (Gloria Estephan) [I’ve gotta admit – sometimes, this is true]

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
(He won’t love me till) Til I’m Gone (Blue Cantrell)

WHAT IS 2+2?
My Saving Grace (Mariah)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Wedding Announcement (Little Mermaid Soundtrack) [I’m about to erase all of their music from my iPOD]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Picture Perfect (Chris Brown) [Not bad]

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Bye Bye (Mariah) [I suppose this goes with how I describe my personality? I’m back to not liking this game]

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
You’re gonna love me (Allure)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
You know you got me (Mariah)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Who would imagine a king (Whitney Houston) [awwwwwwwww]

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
The battle is the Lord’s (Yolanda Adams) [um, I bet you I won’t!]

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Your love is king (Sade) [Dear God, I hope NOT! I’m an organ donor!]

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? I miss you old friend (Loretta Devine)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
I’m your angel (Celine Dion and R. Kelly) [Actually, this is a pretty well-kept secret - *I* didn’t even know]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face (Leona Lewis) [awwwwwwwwwwwww]


WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
Happy Ending (Disney Chorus) [AGAIN with the damn kids!]

I’m tagging:
Jaded
Irene
And I don’t know anyone else on here who qualifies

Is there any harm, really?

Here's a little something about Jack that you may not know (yes, I'm discussing me in the third person) ... Jack will go out of his way for his peeps. Always has. I mean, seriously. Don't get me wrong, I have attitude for days and have been known to be ornery, but ultimately I really am a giver. To the point that I sometimes struggle with actually allowing myself to receive things from others.

But this is a very important fact. If you don't allow someone to give, then you in effect rob them of the blessing they'd receive for doing so. So, i try to let it sit well with me.

HMM-EVAA

At this point, I'm tired. I'm just tired. I feel like the oldest 32 year old in the world. I am juggling two places (a home in one city and an apartment in a city 200 miles away) and I'm traveling back and forth to maintain my parenting time schedule with the kiddos and blah blah blah.

So, in my home city I have a dude who is willing to let me park my car in his driveway and drive me to the amtrak station at 6AM each time I need to work in my apartment city. In the apartment city, I've got a dude I just met who is willing to pick me up and take me to my apartment. And I've finally decided this ...

BOTH these ni*gas can have the train schedule.

I could really use the help and while they're both expecting some play in return, they ain't gettin it. Well, ok - that's a lie. I'm not sure about the apartment city dude (but he's uncut according to his online profile and uncut = uninterested in my world) and the home city dude is already an on again, off again hook up. But, eh! Who cares. Just someone fucking help ME for a change, ok?

Yeah - thanks. The train rolls out at 6:30 a.m.

Oh, and dude # 2 ... the train rolls in at 10:35 a.m.

Thank you both.

-JACK

Politics, for a minute

I remember when I was a little kid when Jesse Jackson tried to win the democratic nomination for President. What I remember was talk about whoever the first black man was to win such a bid would probably meet the same fate as Martin Luther King Jr. or John F. Kennedy. I remember those conversations well, had in the inner city of New York. We, and when I say “we” I mean the multicultural group of people that we were, also had conversations about what cojones it would take for a black man to even want to embark on such a journey. One of the poignant issues in those discussion was whether or not this man’s wife would actually allow it.

And I am remembering these conversations last night as I listened to Obama speak in Minnesota as the presumptive nominee for President. I had a myriad of thoughts at lightning fast speed, about how this man also has cojones giving this speech in the house where republicans would officially nominate THEIR presumptive nominee …

And then the talk about his running mate. Hillary? Seriously?!?!?

I think I’ve proven my point that this man has some big brass cojones – and so I don’t see this man having a problem choosing someone else (Evan Bayh, Bill Richardson or even John Edwards) especially considering that Hillary’s been somewhat of a bitch to him trying to oust him from the running, playing the “girl card” and brining up racial issues and calling him out for all sorts of shit that McCain is likely to use against him. Hillary? My advice, President Obama is to keep it moving.

And granted, I’m biased … it’s either been a Bush or a Clinton in the White House since 1980 (Bush Sr. was V.P. from 1980-1988, then President till ’92, then Clinton through 2000 and then Bush Jr was President for the longest two terms I’ve ever lived) and I just can’t justify ping-ponging this ball back into the Clinton household. After all, this is a democracy, not some autocracy or dictatorship or whatever that we just hand from one family to another.

Go on wit’ yo’ bad self Obama … and my advice is to find your veep somewhere else. I mentioned three parenthetically that I’m good with. Just stay away from those old people – they’ll render your “CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN” slogan a bit useless. Under 55 only, please. (And for the record, H doesn’t fall into this category)

It wasn't me!

"Shy town" (to spell it so that the electric company can't find me) is weird. So, I'm new to this town and all I know is that I signed a lease for an apartment where I will reside occasionally and that gas was included. What totally didn't occurred to me is that electricity is not.

And why wouldn't something like this occur to me, you ask? Hmmmm - well, the fridge is on, all the outlets work and I just moved on in, plugged in what needed to be plugged in and it all just worked.

So, I'm talking to a friend of mine in town and as we sit there talking, it dawns on me - hey, I never got a bill from the electric company. It further sinks in that I never actually set up an account. So, I look around confused as to why everything works.

Apparently, the building has an account and none of the units go dark - the building gets charged for all the charges until I transfer it into my name. Who the hell knew! So, I signed a lease on April 30 and just NOW registered online to transfer the apartment's electricity from the building's account into my name.

So, my tactic here is to claim complete ignorance should it ever come up. I'm just going to say that a friend told me I had to register my apartment online and so I did. But in my defense, the folks in the leasing office didn't mention this to me NOT ONCE. They were so damn happy to see my salary and credit score (seriously, they approved me MINUTES and the leasing agent told me she told corporate "He's Good! He's Good!") that they just signed me up and welcomed me home.

If this ends up costing me a lot of fucking green - I'm going to be mad. I have spent less than 10 nights in that apartment since signing the lease last month and there's just no way in hell I owe them more than like 10 bucks.

But anyway - live and learn.

Who the hell keeps the lights on in an apartment and doesn't tell the tenant that he has to move it off of their name? For God's sake, I'm from out of town and never lived in this city a day in my life!

Anyway - keep your fingers crossed - I'm hiding from the building manager. Come on and tip toe with me through the lobby. And shhhh! not even a whisper.