Sunday, May 24, 2009

Photo Blog & Caption Contest

It's been a hot minute since I've posted on a regular basis - but don't you think for one minute that I haven't had my camera at the ready EVERYWHERE I go. In this special edition post I present to you Jacks Camera - and my Caption Contest, where you get to post your best caption for a photo and I rank the entries and pick a winner.

So, submit a fucking entry, ok? I have feelings too!

(But not so much so that I won't put THIS mfer on blast):

Look, I'm Puerto Rican. There are two correct way to use flip-flips. The first is when you go to the beach. Those things are IDEAL for walking on sand so that a) you don't burn the bottoms of your feet, because sand sitting out in the sun is scalding hot - it's like asphalt and shit. UnBELIEVEABLE - and if you've ever ventured on on a beach barefoot on a 90-degree day at about 3PM, then you know what I mean. That's some shit you do ONE TIME.

The second correct usage of a flip flop is to beat the shit out your kids. Especially those flimsy ones that bend when you wave them. I'm not talking about the flip flops with 1/2" of foam, neither. I'm talking about the once with about 1/8" of cheap foam left, all dirty and black underneath .. with a dirt imprint of your mommas foot ... and yellow thongs on top. Those. Those kind. And how they ALWAYS hit the floor bottom-down, I'll never know. That bitch could toss a "chancleta" on the ground and it's ALWAYS just ready for her to jam her foot into it and walk away. They're like cats those dirty, yellow chancletas.

I digree: My point here is this - men wearing flip flops for a leisurely stroll around the city is RETARDED. Everyone from the tropics knows this.

I got tested last week. Clean as of May 18, 2009. (Thank you Trojan!). Anyway, this paperwork here CLEARLY says that my name will not appear on any documentation, right? That's good. I prefer the anonymity - so long as they a) don't fuck up my number and b) don't fuck up my number. You feel me?

But the thing that got me was that while I was sitting there reading this disclosure, a phlebotomist comes out of the back and yells out, "Steve?" And Steve got up to go back there to get tested.

So, I have a little message for her:

Bitch! Come on out here again and yell "JACK?" My ass gonna sit there looking around at everyone else wondering why JACK ain't here. Besides, I also had number 24. Notice that in the picture? 24. CALL ME 24!

Seriously? I mean, you STICK all these mother fuckers with needles, I understand. But smelling salts taped onto the sharps container? You couldn't find a better place for this thing? Bad enough I thought at first it was a suppository - I dunno ... you tell me, folks. Strange place?

Speaking of strange places ... This was posted on the post in the alley behind this dude whose house I went to for some, uhhh - "festivities." Never again! (Besides, he couldn't perform - what's up with that nowadays?!?)

(They should really reconsider this poison, though - I saw only 1 squirrel on that entire street!)

your immediate reaction? Yuh, mine too. It's a great cause, and I'm glad you're crazy over dogs, but you really should have studied marketing. Or maybe you did and the fact that I'm posting this is proof? I dunno - I just thought I could maybe have my neutered pincher be a daddy after all ... *sigh*


(because seriously, this shit is retarded)

Happy Captioning!


RunningMom said...

I threw my flip flop at my son today, lol - but uh, I love flip flops and wear them whenever I can, which is next to never at the beach.. lol.

I also love a man in flip flops, the real ones that go between your toes, brown leather are my personal fav.

But you know what does bug me - men that wear socks with sport flops - like the nike kind that go across the top of your feet with nothing between the toes.

JACK said...

Well, if you threw a flip flop at your son ... you TOTALLY get a pass. You are using them properly.

Leather ones - hmmm. OK - I'll give you that. But I took a photo of a fool on the subway platform with some foam bottom flip flops. If you live in a city with mass transit, no foam bottom flip flops! EVER

JACK said...

Fine, DAMMIT! I'm writing my own caption:

The janitor showed up jingling nervously his 6" ring of 120 keys and that's when we knew it was a wrap.