He almost made me cry

As I ponder my life, as I often do, I've come to the realization that I'm right where I had wanted to be. When I got divorced, I felt like I wasted my 20s - albeit true that in my 20s my kids were born and they were and remain the most important thing in my life. But as far as relationships were concerned - what a waste it was to have gotten married, especially since I remember crying like a baby at my own wedding primiarly because I had just made a vow not to have me a man again.

It's crazy that societal pressures and cultural expectations made me feel that I had no other alternative but to succomb to the expectations of me rather than to life out the real me. And in the process, I brought a woman into a big mess of things ... and I understand that totally own that. I can't blame that on anyone but me. For various reason that I will not go into (to preserve PF's reputation [I know, I know - I'm preparing for the Jaded backfiring here]) that part really is a moot point.

But when I turned 30, I said aloud, "I wasted my 20's, so my 30s better watch out." To some degree, I've lived that out in just shy of three years - to another degree, I'm so not done. For the past week, I've been really thinking about relationships and whether or not I want one ... and I do. Certainly not badly enough to go out looking for one - relationship aren't the sort of thing you search for or anything. Like, there's not relationship spelunker gear available in stores or on QVC. And they don't exist for a reason - relationships find YOU. And you just have to sorta wait around.

But I think it would be nice, to be honest. And I was totally wallowing a bit this week in the desire for the devoted attention of a man. For a bit. Fancifully wounding myself with those thoughts of the ideal relationship that I know only exists in my head. Relationships the way we envision them don't really exist - they're rife with real-world dilemmas, tough decisions and with one type of problem or another ... and we rarely fantacize about deciding with our lover that we're going to have to file for bankruptcy and comparing schedules to set a good time to meet with an attorney. Ok, not rarely - never.

But shit like that happens - and you would want your relationship to weather such a storm and not fall into a million little pieces while Oprah reams you a new anus on national TV. And Lord knows that the mother fucker couldn't handle that shit, I'd have to CUT him into a million little pieces and live in prision from then unto forever. (amidst a whole different type of "relationship. *shutter*)

So, all that to say that I just accept that it's going to take time - and that I'm not really in a big hurry - but it'd be nice. And when it does happen, I'll enjoy the ride and make sure I give it the time so that we grow into the type of unit that doesn't end up the focus of some Nightline special. Meanwhile, I'll be a dad, I'll work, I'll date and continue to enjoy the 'fantasticks' in my head.

So, I drove 220 miles to spend the weekend with my kids. And when I was buckling up my son in his car seat outside of daycare, I kissed him on the forehead. While I was leaned over him to latch the clip into the buckle, he wrapped his arms around me (as far as his little 5-year old arms could go) and he hugged me tight as hell. He smiled and whispered, "I love you."

And right there, before my very eyes, I realize ... this is totally better than anything I've envisioned in my head. He almost made me cry.