I know stupid when I see it

It's been a long time since JACK's Camera made an appearance around these parts and I bet you thought JACK had actually put his camera away, stopped taking pictures of things and people and perhaps he had actually stopped invading people's privacy by not only taking pictures of them without their permission, but posting them on the internets for everyone under the sun, moon and clouds to see. But I didn't. Instead, I've been collecting

Take I
I think it was those Japanese food places at the mall food courts that started this trend by shoving Bourbon Chicken in your face in those little white cups for you to sample and come back fiendishly looking to make a buy. But look closely here:

THIS bitch wants you to sample cat food.
(and, no, this wasn't Petsmart!)

Take II
After one of my hookups some time ago (it was Fall of 08, I think!), I left his apartment all wobbly in the legs because, let me tell ya, it was GOOD. And there on the corner ... was THIS place:

Totally stupid name, but this one made my day.
(Ok, actually, the dude did - but this was close second. Well, second.)

Take III
Before my current job moved, and when I was smoking, this was where I would go for my smoke breaks. It was easy to just chill in the parking garage because it's outdoors and there's a roof! Bonus.

But clearly if you're a jumper, they want you to be at least on the third floor. I think there's maybe liability if you survive the fall.

Take IV
It was really hot that day.

But, seriously? No one at the bank can get this shit right? It's NUMBERS, dammit!

Take V
Chicago weather can toy with the extremes.

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Take VI

Now, I really appreciate construction signs. I really do. The last thing I want to do is be driving along, minding my own business and then have some kids daddy land on my windshield because I didn't know he was going to be there around the bend holding a SLOW sign.

But who the FUCK put this shit up? I mean, exactly what? Huh? Where?! Look, just tell me who the fuck did this - because THAT mother fucker I wanna run over.

TAKE VII

New York City. Circa a few months ago. I'm driving my rental when suddenly something tells me that may I really SHOULD have purchased that "walk away" insurance from Avis.

No, but really - aren't there schools where you practice on a closed course to get a CDL? I didn't even know thes signs CAME this big. I wonder if they make them big enough for airliners.

TAKE VII

Sometimes, however, I feel like stupidity is there to remind me that things could be oh so much worse for me. Like, fine - I'm single, I'm stressed a lot, I usually always tired from running so hard all the time ... but, I don't do shit like this

Clearly, there are no gay men on THIS marketing team.
(ooorrrr maYYYYbe there ARE - and this might just be sheer brilliance! Cuz I want one now)


TAKE IX - MY FAVORITE

Nigga, PLEASE get your big, dumb black ass out of the Walmart shopping cart and wait in line properly like the rest of us. DAMN!

Black Friday with JACK

In 2002, I did the Black Friday thing. I started at 5am and learned at how ridiculous people could get waiting outside for HOURS before then. I didn't get everything I was looking for that year, but I did get a few things and it was fun.

Except for Toys R Us. I will never, EVER go to that store on Black Friday or during the holidays at all. There was yelling and kicking and screaming and parents fighting over toys. The same toys they'd yell at their children for fighting over at some point. It was mayhem and just a whole lotta nonsense - and I'm not risking my life over a five dollar Barbie.

This year, I was out there as a good deed. My roommate is dating someone new who has issues that my roommate is using his ex's laptop still. He borrowed it after his desktop crashed and has been using it ever since. So, my roommate wants a new laptop - to be honest, I think he just needed something to push him to spend the money. He's wanted his own damn laptop since forever.

Anyway, I was there for a laptop. The roommate is going to reimburse me and I actually had nothing going on that would prevent me from getting it ... and he was going to be out of town at his parents without a car. So, fine - I went.

TO WALMART!

Oh dear God. It was something else. And why did I get stuck around these chatty ass women who just wanted to talk and tell stories about where they'd been already (Toys R Us opened at mid-fucking-night!) and how tired they were and what they ate and all this nonsense I just didn't give a fuck about. Whatever, I did it. There were some things at Walmart that I wanted to get, including a $29 bicycle for my son. So, I bore the misery from 3am to 6am when I finally got out of there.

Have you ever seen that email forward about people that shop at Walmart? THey're usually dressed in their pajamas or some ghetto/white trash outfit that makes no sense - have you seen it? Well, I learned that those really aren't staged. They're really not. LAWD. HAVE MERCY. Some of these people really did look like their parents were spawned from the same womb. I swear they did.

And THEN - there was THIS nigga:



Really? You're going to climb your big, Black ass into a shopping cart to sit? You can't stand for two hours and not make a fool of yourself in front of all these White people? Really? THAT shit was crazy. You should've seen him push the gate all the way up and around, crouch underneath it and wedge himself into that cart. And eventually, he scooted all the way back into the cart, put his elbows on the sides of the cart and let his feet just dangle in midair ... I swear, some people make no goddam fucking sense.

I just HAD to put him on blast. JACK is never without his camera, people.

Photo Blog & Caption Contest

It's been a hot minute since I've posted on a regular basis - but don't you think for one minute that I haven't had my camera at the ready EVERYWHERE I go. In this special edition post I present to you Jacks Camera - and my Caption Contest, where you get to post your best caption for a photo and I rank the entries and pick a winner.

So, submit a fucking entry, ok? I have feelings too!

(But not so much so that I won't put THIS mfer on blast):



Look, I'm Puerto Rican. There are two correct way to use flip-flips. The first is when you go to the beach. Those things are IDEAL for walking on sand so that a) you don't burn the bottoms of your feet, because sand sitting out in the sun is scalding hot - it's like asphalt and shit. UnBELIEVEABLE - and if you've ever ventured on on a beach barefoot on a 90-degree day at about 3PM, then you know what I mean. That's some shit you do ONE TIME.

The second correct usage of a flip flop is to beat the shit out your kids. Especially those flimsy ones that bend when you wave them. I'm not talking about the flip flops with 1/2" of foam, neither. I'm talking about the once with about 1/8" of cheap foam left, all dirty and black underneath .. with a dirt imprint of your mommas foot ... and yellow thongs on top. Those. Those kind. And how they ALWAYS hit the floor bottom-down, I'll never know. That bitch could toss a "chancleta" on the ground and it's ALWAYS just ready for her to jam her foot into it and walk away. They're like cats those dirty, yellow chancletas.

I digree: My point here is this - men wearing flip flops for a leisurely stroll around the city is RETARDED. Everyone from the tropics knows this.




I got tested last week. Clean as of May 18, 2009. (Thank you Trojan!). Anyway, this paperwork here CLEARLY says that my name will not appear on any documentation, right? That's good. I prefer the anonymity - so long as they a) don't fuck up my number and b) don't fuck up my number. You feel me?

But the thing that got me was that while I was sitting there reading this disclosure, a phlebotomist comes out of the back and yells out, "Steve?" And Steve got up to go back there to get tested.

So, I have a little message for her:

Bitch! Come on out here again and yell "JACK?" My ass gonna sit there looking around at everyone else wondering why JACK ain't here. Besides, I also had number 24. Notice that in the picture? 24. CALL ME 24!




Seriously? I mean, you STICK all these mother fuckers with needles, I understand. But smelling salts taped onto the sharps container? You couldn't find a better place for this thing? Bad enough I thought at first it was a suppository - I dunno ... you tell me, folks. Strange place?




Speaking of strange places ... This was posted on the post in the alley behind this dude whose house I went to for some, uhhh - "festivities." Never again! (Besides, he couldn't perform - what's up with that nowadays?!?)

(They should really reconsider this poison, though - I saw only 1 squirrel on that entire street!)

your immediate reaction? Yuh, mine too. It's a great cause, and I'm glad you're crazy over dogs, but you really should have studied marketing. Or maybe you did and the fact that I'm posting this is proof? I dunno - I just thought I could maybe have my neutered pincher be a daddy after all ... *sigh*



!!!CAPTION CONTEST!!!

(because seriously, this shit is retarded)

Happy Captioning!

Random steam

Would you steal this bike?

I laughed out loud when i walked outside for a smoke and saw this thing tied up in front of the building. I mean, I suppose it's possible that the owner takes the seat with him when he makes his deliveries, but it's not totally out of the realm of possibility that messenger-owner of this bike rides it around downtown Chicago looking just. like. this. It's not. But to see it chained up and looking all decrepit made me smile.

Why are you fucking with me?

Dunkin Donuts has this great new lite and fit and whatever they call it menu where things are 300 calories or less. Starbucks? I walk up to the sign that says "here are some tasty choices that you can feel really good about" and the mother fucker is empty! EMPTY! I just froze and stared. Blank-faced. Increduled, I left - buying nothing.

"HOLY COW" - Phil Rizutto

I'm sorry - this one made me laugh. And I can't WAIT to get JADED's reaction. That marketing campaign was riddled with potential, but I've not seen anything since. I mean, TONS of potential.

There's someone for everyone

Decrepit bike was still there when I went back out for a smoke a little bit later. This time, with a friend. *cue porn music*

(I especially like the two dudes I caught walking across the street as if away from their bikes. And they're strolling touch-close ... which warms my heart ... from laughing so hard)

NO PIC AND NO ETHICS

I can't seem to get work done - and it's not for blogging, because you know I haven't been around much. This process they've got at work is SO inefficient and stupid ... I spent three times as much effort getting things done and then twice THAT amount trying to devise a new process that will work. I'm almost there - 60 more days and this god forsaken process will be OVER.

Until then, I've decided that I need a small Malaysian kid to work for me and help me get this stuff off my desk. S/he would have to hide somewhere in my office and come out ONLY when no one was looking. I'd totally pay $0.02 cents per hour. If s/he gets caught, I get to kick him/her in the face. Fuck ethics - we're in a RECESSION.

There's TOTALLY gotta be a Web site for that, right?

The Best Birthday Ever

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That's not the sheet cake I expected to get, but upon arriving at the Walmart bakery with my babies, I decided to let them decide what cake to get. And this was it. And they got to decide what the cake said.

They wanted to eat at Wendy's and so that's where we went. Afterwards, we went to Walmart, chose the cake and I bought a few other things. What a miracle it was that I stuck to the short list and qualified for the 20 items or less line. This is a rarity for me at SuperWalMart. But I did it.

The kids each chose a candle - both a number three. And when we got home I let them put the candles on the cake. It ended up looking like this:




I lit the candles, gave my daughter the camera and they were waiting on me to blow out the candles. I just sat there. "I'm ready, Daddy!" exclaims my girl with the digicam in front of her face.

"Where's my song?"

They sang me happy birthday in unison. And it was the sweetest, bestest thing ever. Thinking about it now as I type makes my eyes watery. Folks, I love the SHIT out those kids. I mean, I just love the SHIT out them. aye!

I did the whole blow-the-candle-out bit in slow motion to make sure my daughter felt like she captured a good pic ... and it's a cute one. I'm crossing my fingers and my cheeks are puffed out.

Then we all had a piece of cake and some milk.

I got them bathed, teeth were brushed, prayers were said ... and my babies are sound asleep as I tell the whole world ...

This was the best birthday I EVER had.

JACK's Camera

I have a decent collection of photos I've taken over the past few months and it's time to post them. You know, because usually one photo blogs just aren't nearly as cool as those putting multiple people on blast simultaneously. For instance, the man with sleep apnea on the Red Line train:

This dude was dead-to-the-world asleep, snoring loudly over the cha-chang of the 'el train as it meandered through town. He was so annoying ... and then, he'd gag and wake himself up. I'm just saying, it might be time to go on a diet.

And in the fashion category, we have two entries. I know folks clown on men who wear black dress shoes with white tube socks ... but THIS I've never seen:


Can't nobody tell me this is a man's issue and a man's issue only. Grey toe reinforced tube socks and heels are IN.

And then I spotted this cross between Rainbow Bright, Wendy and Pipi Longstocking:


A fucking tragedy. I don't even know what the bottom piece is called. I know shorts that look like skirts are called skorts ... but what about capris and skirts? Aye, I can't deal.

OH! And I totally now know what it means to hav eyour panties in a bunch!


I was at the Mickey D's drive through when THIS came across me. I mean, I have never, ever, EVER seen something like this:


I know that bangs are trying to make a come back ... but honey, THAT shit you got going on ain't never gonna make it. NEVER, you hear me?

Lastly, I would like to say that there is a time when a business must reinvent itself, like changing their logo or going back to coca cola classic because you OBVIOUSLY fucked up the formula. For all of you businessmen (and women) out there, please consider the future of your business when coming up with a name, though. Here is an example of some BULLSHIT that won't work:



That's all for now - but remember, JACK is out there lurking right there out in the open with his camera.

Carry on.