In a new direction

Hello fellow bloggers (and readers and stalkers and government censors, etc.)

So, there's this guy I know - let's call him Keith (cuz that's his name). We met I don't know when in 2009 and went on a date. He thought he was the most impressive thing ever. He wasn't. He really tried and tried and tried to impress me with all the people he knew in town and how many business owners he was cool with because he too was a business owner ... and I was just GAG over the whole thing. But I was in my for-the-sake-of-the-blog mode and I did end up sleeping with him. I was drunk as hell by the end of the night and I used that as an excuse. He's so not my type and I really just needed something to blog about and laugh over and all that.

But I'm so not there and haven't been for what seems like a long while. He was blowing up my phone today. Kept IM-ing me on my phone, then calling my phone and I just kept ignoring him. He called from another number and I picked up and DAMN if I wasn't mad at myself for picking up the phone. So, we get into this conversation about things, and I tell him where I stand.

I'm not really into the whole casual sex bit. I feel like there are so many things out of balance in my life and the last thing I need is to have that type of one-night-stand nonsense to add to it. I know myself to be the emotional creature that I am and I just don't want to deal with that empty feeling I know too well, the one that I get when I'm doing the walk of shame home ... or when the dude ups and leaves when we're done. My job is messy and I am looking for another, trying to take control of that situation, and this idea I have about really wanting sex to be within the confines of a relationship is about my wanting to take control back in THAT area of my life too.

I feel like I'm cleaning house - and anyway, so I tell him all of this and he talks about how he's not looking for a relationship. No shit, Sherlock - hence, my avoiding you! So, as I am explaining to him how I see things, he says, "so are there other guys besides me?"

[insert stunned silence here]

I recoup pretty fast. "Yes!" And then he goes into this spiel about my being the only one. Really? Am I supposed to believe that, really? The last time he and I did anything, it was still shorts and T-shirt weather ... and I'm to believe what, now? Spare me - I don't believe it.

But I really don't want to get into an argument about it ... so I let him talk about how he's very particular and blah blah blah. And about how great I am and how he feels we have great sex and have this connection and how I just accept him for him and how with me he's just Keith ... and not that professional, or that director, or that church minister .... or that whatever the hell else he listed.

Oh - yes ... church minister. You didn't misread that. But that's his issue - not mine. I don't give a fuck. I mean, if I'm to believe the church's doctrine as face value, as the church would have me believe it, it's bad enough he's another dude, let alone a minister - so whatever.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that I don't feel any chemistry, the sex is fair to midland and I dont' find him attractive at all. I simply just listen and then tell him that we're just on different wave lengths.

I ponder all of this and I wonder if I'm just getting old, or wise or outgrowing things ... but what I do know is that this situation is a little bit sad. I don't like being in this situation, that I've created this type of thing ... that he saw fireworks when he closed his eyes and I just had my eyes closed. Kinda sucks ...

But I'm not SO mature that I'm not glad that I'm on this side of the imbalance. I fucking HATE being into someone who isn't so into me.

But, then - I'm in that situation too. *shrug* (another issue entirely)

At some point, I'm going to have to find someone I like who happens to also like me. Of course, that's everyone's goal ... but for me personally, I feel I need to stop having sex for sex's sake.

Check with me in 45 days time and let's see if I still feel the same way or if I've given in to carnality and climbed a nigga or three.

-JACK