Monday, December 14, 2009

Ranting ala JACK

Homeland Security

My roommate wantd me to change the shower head at the apartment so I took my vice grip over to Chicago from my home in Indianapolis. I was tired of that old shower head so I was more than thrilled to comply with his request. THe fucking vice grip sat in the bottom of my bag for weeks. I really wasn't paying much attention to it and it really had sunken to the bottom of my roller bag and since I pull that thing behind me all over the place, it's not like I was CARRYING it or anything ... I simply forgot it was there.

Until, that is, I was standing at the xray machine watching the TSA fools, I mean folks, staring at the screen and pointing. I felt my heart drop - oh fuck - I'm really trying to get on this plane with a vice-grip!

So, he brings the bag over and I tell him exactly which pocket it's in. The agent takes the vice grip out of my bag, puts it in that little dog-bowl lookin' bucket and send it back through the x-ray machine. He doesn't give me back my bag. I'm certain I'm going to be detained or something ... and they're gonna ask me what bolt I was gonna try to undo and blah blah blah.

But the friendly TSA agent doesn't grill me. Instead, he puts the vice grip back into the very same compartment of my bag he found it in ... zips my bag closed and hands me my bag with the vice grip in it. I took my bag and it took all I had not to shake my head. But I look at it this way ... if some shit goes down at 24,000 feet, I have a weapon.

So, don't take a bottle of Dasani water through there, bitches ... but vice grips? ok.


Side Note
I kinda was a bit of a mess because my condoms were in there too. And I don't mean a few condoms ... I mean the enormous handful I got from the clinic last time I got tested. In there with the vice grip. The vice grip was all the way down in the bag and the condoms scattered all over the bag on top of it. It's a fucking mess, I tell you ... the shit that be happening to me.


yet another black guy said...

You know how old those planes are, they need every extra mechanic they can get LOL!

JACK said...


Super Dave Van Buren said...

lol.. condoms and vice grips in 1 bag. they figured you were not to be messed with.

Ty said...

That is crazy. I had a friend to came up a few weeks ago and I had a big bottle of creamer that I knew I wasn't going to use. So I offered it to him. Well.... he gets to the airport. They gave him such fever of the creamer that he just ended up throwing it away. But vice-grips.....

JACK said...

Superdave - gives new meaning to having someone's dick in a vise

Ty - Creamer is dangerous, boo. Didn't you know?

The Jaded NYer said...

this makes me want to fly with a whole bunch of crazy shit next time just to see what will get confiscated and what will go through.

A rubber chicken?
1,000 Bic pens held together w/duct tape?
A mutilated/photoshopped framed photo of the pope?
...and some vice grips...