If ...

... I could hire a bouncer to beat the fuck out someone, I'd pay the money to have said bouncer go get at balloon boy's dad. Did you see this kid blow chunks all over national TV because he was under all sorts of stress. He's a fucking kid! And YOUR kid, you punk ass bitch. And you told him to hide because you were doing it for some show?!? Out of the mouth of babes, boo.




... I could fire any one person at the office, I'd have a hard time picking. But then again, maybe not. Me. I'd pick me. Why save someone ELSE?

... I could choose one food and make it totally NOT fattening, it'd be bagels. I love bagels. Sesame Seed bagels. I want one. Right now. Actually, can I say all breads in general? mmmmmmm carbs.

... I could take on my son's asthma so he didn't have to deal with it, I'd do it yesterday. This is a big one. It's controlled right now, but he still deals with it and I hate it that he has to take all those meds all the time.

... I could bring back someone who is deceased, I'd have trouble deciding. Seriously, I'm not sure. That's a toughie ... do I go for people I'm closest to, or people who were younger? Or do I say fuck it all and bring Luther back?

... I could sate all my curiosities, I'd definitely have to put on the list "interviewing the couple referenced in the video below," and "meeting the person who commented on the video and said:

Dildo on the end of a reciprocating saw is nothing new. Injuries are probably the result of improper construction or improper safety precautions. Done correctly fun can be had by all. Just remember to wear you safety goggles!



(oh, and meeting this kid - he's funny. Not as funny as if Jaded and I were the ones reporting ... but, he's got TONS of potential)