BET Music Awards

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My First Love called

I heard his voice. I remember one of the last times I heard it - it was like 2000 or so. When I heard his voice over the phone then, my heart jumped and skipped a beat. Today? It was like he was the neighbor calling to tell me that the dog had gotten out again. It was totally void of that emotion and remorse and heartache.

I guess I really am totally over it. Who knew?!? I thought he would always give me butterflies ... but no. It really is truly something in my past. And at least now I can look back on it fondly, knowing it really was real.

I feel so grown up (I say after having recently posted that I got mad at some nigga and hung up on him)

[but he deserved it, carajo!]

I had to cut our conversation short because my boss was calling on the other line - he texted me and asked what was a good time to call tonight because he would like to keep talking. That was nice - and that I'm not making a big emotional deal out of it (like, omg! he wants to keep talking to me!) is even nicer.

Call anytime - I'd like to keep talking too.

Except if he calls too damn late, I might have to hang up on him too. JACK loves his sleep.

Michael Jackson

It seems that I'm in the minority again - I really don't care that Michael Jackson is dead. I'm not sad about the music he'll never make and we'll never listen to. I'm not upset that his heart arrested. I'm not upset that attempts to revive him were fruitless. This day was ordained by God before he was born, before the beginning of time - and his time is here.

I have zero compassion for him. never have - His habit of touching children outshines any of his muscial legacy in my eyes. I'm a parent and I take that shit to heart. A friend of mine told me, "but he was acquitted!" My response? "So was OJ."

Such accusations do not follow honorable, respectable people - period. No one is accusing Judge Judy of pedophilia, nor Alex Rodriguez. Know why? Cuz they prefer adults. They and countless others of us do not touch children.

Say what you will about honoring someone in death - I will only do so if they were honorable in life. And since I'm not Christ, I have a list of things that are unforgiveable.

Touching children is one of those things.

I acknowledge that it is not my decision to make - I will let God be God. But whether he rests in peace or no - I don't care.

In more important news - I just sold my old loveseat and chair for $100.00. Cha-Ching!

Hello? Is this thing on?

No one comments anymore. It's frustrating, especially since READERS convinced me not to quit blogging.

I have a new rule: with the exception of Jaded, don't talk to me about my blog if you haven't posted comments. I'm tired of talking about it - that's why I write it down here.

-JACK

Wait - it's YOU again (The Final Chapter)

I decided that I don't give a fuck what his current relationship consists of - the fact that he's wanting to reestablish something with ME while he's talking to someone else is really all I need to know.

I asked him to call me the following day so that we could talk. It was late and he was going to bed. "k," came the response text.

He was trying to avoid me the next day - I know he was. He was suddenly real busy. Well, at the end of the day I texted him that it was obvious he didn't have time. And I began to pen an email to him. I needed to call it quits ... via any mechanism, I didn't care.

While I'm writing, he calls. I told him he's unfair. That his contacting me again was selfish, that it wasn't about ME at all, but more about his own conscience. He gets to make contact to make himself feel better about ditching me based on a lie ... but *I* have to rehash all those emotions I felt when he just ceased communicating with me.

He didn't try to contradict me.

I said that my emotions were real and my feelings today are real too. I did confess that I have feelings for him, which is why, I said, he's being selfish. And then he said the thing that nailed the coffin ...

"I can't say that we couldn't eventually be together ...."

Oh, wait - so, because I have feelings for you I'm just supposed to sit by and wait? Really? I'm just supposed to be there for you while you get over your co-dependency with your children, sort out the sexuality issues that you have ... and deal with all the countless other issues you have ... just in mother fucking case?

How aabbbooouuuuutttt - no. Let's try that. I am much too valuable, I said, to sit around and do that. You have a serious problem with your codependency with your own damn kids - you're a great dad, I said, but you are doing them a HUGE disservice, especially that 24 year old who still trying to act out, and you're not preparing them for the real world. And you're doing yourself a disservice too.

He took that amazaingly well, considering how "can't nobody talk bad about my kids" he is. "You're right," "I know," and other affirmations is all he could muster.

I can't do this - my feelings are real and you're selfish. You treated me like discarded trash and now you want to "rescue" me by asking me to lie in wait. No, sir.

This business of calling and texting everyday - asking about how's your day and how're you doing? That's all relationship stuff. The people I consider my CLOSEST friends ... I don't fucking stay on the phone with them, asking them how it's going at that moment. So, that's gonna stop.

"I understand."

and blah blah blah ... and woo woo woo.

I continued on a tirade that he deserved - and he took it. He took it all. Eventually he said that I could call him.

"No. I won't. I'm not making your phone ring - that's the damn lie that got us here, that I fucking called and talked to your son and told him our business. I told you already, I won't be calling."

"ok," he said with a sigh. "Well, it's going to take a lot of work to even establish a friendship."

"Nope. Because I'm not doing it. I'm making NO effort."

"Wow."

And with that wow, it seemed to sink in. Except he wouldn't say bye. "I CAN'T say bye. I just can't do it."

"hmmm," I said with disdain in my voice.

"Nope - i can't - you're going to have to say it because ....."

"Ok. Goodbye."

and I hung up.

Wait - it's YOU again (The Trilogy)

Yes - he is sort of seeing someone, he tells me - but it's likely not to go anywhere because he has to focus on the kids.

Well, shit - you aren't looking for anything romatically out of ME either, then

That confused me - I mean, why would he call me after all this time if he already moved on? I wracked my brain for a while and it finally dawned on me ... he needed to clear his OWN conscience. He didn't need me to forgive him per se ... he needed to reconnect with me and tell me the truth to deal with his own guilt - and whether I accepted his apology or no, it didn't matter. he still got to get it off his chest.

Well, nigga - I got some shit to get off my chest too.

How the fuck dare you come back at me like this ... INVOLVED with another nigga, looking for my forgiveness? Why the hell do *I* have to deal with this shit all over again? It wasn't enough that I lost you to some bullshit I didn't do and had to mourn losing what could have been a decent relationship over something I couldn't control or have anything to do with? That wasn't enough?

You mean, I get to do it all over again? Joy. I get to hear you apologize, ask for forgiveness and know all about your life all over again ... after 10 months and shit ... but you're talking to someone else and even if I *do* forgive you, I STILL can't have you.

Nice.

VERY nice.

I told him that it's abundantly clear to me that he did not feel for me what I felt for him ... that I was really ready to pursue "us" on an exclusive basis, that I was really into him - and he APPARENTLY wasn't there. And so, I own that I pushed for it too fast, and too hard ... and that his son's antics were quite convenient for him because it gave him an opportunity to nurture his flight response.

He disagreed - said that he was really feeling me and was on the verge of agreeing to pursue things exclusively and then his son hit him with all of that.

Again, how convenient.

He's calling me on a regular basis now - like he was a year ago. And the calls are all 5 minutes or less, like they were a year ago. And during each one of those short conversation, I manage to get in a dinger.

Today, I asked him if his son was helping around the house (they had severe storm damage and were without power for 36 hours) and he said the boy has no choice - he does his share or he gets out.

(bullshit)

and he continued to talk about the progress they need to make.

"It's hard to break out of codependency," I said.

There was a very short pause - almost undetectable - but it was there. The pause before he said, "Yuh, it is."

Whatever - he still needs to hear my mouth about the whole co-dependency issue ... and I will eventually ask about the specifics between him and this dude. Both issue will serve to finalize the closure I need ...

and depending on how those two conversations go, I may be able to agree to continue on this path to restore a friendship - that's what he asked for, incidentally.

Or - I may be ghost.

I'll keep you posted.

Wait - it's YOU again? (Part Duex)

"heey," he said.

"hey."

His voice sounded familiar, but not in the way you would think. I mean, I tried to remember what his voice sounded like during those 4.5 hours I waited for the phone to ring. I tried to no avail, that is. Seriously, I couldn't remember his voice.

I tried to get in touch with him via email in the months that followed his telling me that he wasn't talking to me anymore. But the last time I emailed him I resolved to let it go completely if he didn't respond. And he didn't. So, I erased his number from my phone and kept it moving. I tried, right?

Well, when I finally DID hear his voice, it was like .. OOOOHHH. Yes, once I heard him speak I remembered. You know how when a word is right on the tip of your tongue, but you can't quite get it? It was like that, but only with a voice.

He proceeded to explain what happened:

His son explained to him that he saw my name on the caller ID and picked up. We had a conversation and he told his dad all the specifics - and he wanted his dad to know that I wasn't allowed to take him away from them. His daughter felt the same way. See, he's a single dad and is raising these two on his own and it was WAY too much for him to fathom that I would talk to his son.

Except, I didn't.

I never, ever called his cell phone and had anyone else pick up the phone. EVER. Apparently, however, his son and daughter picked up on the fact that he was on his way to getting involved and snooped through is call log, found my name and approached their dad with the story above in order to get him to stop pursing anything outside of their immediate family.

And it worked.

I was never given the opportunity to contradict his son's story because he never confronted me. He shut down instead, believed his son without question ... and consequently had no questions for me either. I mean, why would the 24 year old son lie to him?

Oh, I didn't mention his son is twenty fucking four?

Well, he is. He's a grown ass man who's afraid to lose his daddy. I can't fathom that type of thinking, especially considering I come from a home that really didn't give a fuck about the kids. (My mom married my step-father and told us about it three days LATER and also said he was moving in ... and we'd never met him) I left for college at seventeen and I wasn't looking back. By the time I was 24, I was the lead engineer on $68M work of work and live 700 miles away from my parents - so don't ask me to synthesize that one - I can't.

But how did he find this all out, I wondered? (tell me you were wondering that too ...)

Apparently, homeboy is talking to some dude right now. Yes, the same homeboy who wasn't ready for a gay relationship with ME... yuh him. Anyway, the "children" did it again - only this time the 24-year old initiated the call to the "significant other" and said whatever the son said ... and then the son called his father at work to say there was an emergency at home involving the "significant other."

Well, that's how he "found out" that I had done nothing wrong and that he totally shut me out based on a lie.

So, I did forgive him for it - I didn't blame him for believing his son ... after all, I'm a dad too and I'm a protective dad as well. So, I can understand. I'm definitely more confrontational than homeboy is, but then again I wasn't hiding in the closet and just LOOKING for an excuse not to move forward.

But I've got new issues now - I can forgive you for what you did then ... but what about what you're doing now?!? This was turning out to be a multi-call sorting out of issues. Because I've got issues with this ... why are you calling me with this shit - don't you have a man?

You know I asked him that, right?