Caption Contest: Nov 26, 2008

You know the drill. You create a caption; I score on a 0 to 10 scale. Have at it!

It's not rocket surgery!

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have to play santa? I'm thinking, you put on a suit, stuff it with pillows and shit (or even a hula hoop!) and start ho - ho - ho -ing. Right? I mean, come on ... is it really that difficult to be santa? Does it really take a special skill, a special SANTA skill that you learn only at SANTA school and that only SANTA-ologists employ?

You might remember this video that I posted many moons ago, and you might think ... well, maybe:



But let's be honest - this was less of a santa skill that it was a test of overall stupidity. CLEARLY getting up on a snowy, sloped roof is a fucking BAD idea. And there obviously was no plan here, because as you can see ... the stupid mother fuckers didn't even bother to put a ladder, a step stool ... a huge inflatable canvas, etc. to get this stupid bastard off of the roof. He's lucky the damn cars were so close to the garage door. Otherwise, these kids, who obviously believe in Santa, would've seen Santa die.

If you remember Weird Al (am I dating myself), you might remember the night santa went crazy:



Or maybe, the word on the street is that Santa is "Straight Mobbin'"



Either way - my point is this ... is there really a shortage of santas? I mean, bitchez will dress up and make a fuckin video about the man pushin dope ... and there's "AN ACUTE SHORTAGE" of santas!? An acute fucking shortage!?

Well folks, there is - Germany is in dire fucking circumstances right now because they can't find enough santas to pay SEVENTY FIVE MOTHER FUCKING DOLLARS AN HOUR to do the fucking job. In this worldwide recession (but we're not calling it that). SEVENTY FIVE MOTHER FUCKING DOLLARS AN HOUR!

Why?

Because they have to be trained, according to this article, to park a few blocks away so the kids see them in sleighs and not cars ... and they need to have clean police records. These are some tough standards.

Damn, Germany ... seriously? Tell you what ... fly me in and I'll take three weeks off of work to play santa for $75 per hour. But ... I'll be working ten hour days, 7 days a week. Thanks.

- JACK "with a clean record" MARTINEZ

P.S. How do you say "Pony" in German again?

Obama, Latinos and My babies

Clearly, this is time magazine and they get all the credit for this here pic. So, Time, don't come at me talking about I stole your picture and all that ying yang. It's your cover, I done told everybody, Y YA!

A special thanks to JADED for traipsing all over New York City in search of a copy of Time magazine for me. And the November 5 issues of the NY Post and NY Daily news. I was stuck in RED-AS-HELL Nashville, TN during the election and I wanted as many keepsakes as I could get. Except I didn't have transportation so I asked her to find them for me. And she did! That's LOVE right there, people. She isn't all into politics, this was her first time voting and she didn't exactly have a good experience at the poll, and still she went out and did this for me. *xoxoxoxoxo*

So, this weekend I told my kids we would read the magazine. "BARAK OBAMA!" they exclaim gleefully whenever they see his picture. The article I chose to read was one that I thought the kids would be most interested in, less about numbers and strategies and more about how Obama is a Prince, because he made a King's dream come true. Great article.

As I read, I asked them each if they could be President when they grew up. My son says, "yes ... if I WANT to." He's the best. He wants to be an engineer like his daddy, and great as Obama is ... Obama's not as great as his daddy. *tear* I love that boy to PIECES.

At one point my daughter stops me and asks, "What's a Latino?" I explained it to her that it's people who speak Spanish, like us! She points to her brother, "Latino?"

"Yeeeesss."

She points to herself, "Latino?"

"LatinA. It's like abuelO is a boy, and abuelA is a girl. So, LatinO is a boy, and you're LatinA, cuz you're a girl."

"Latina!" she says as she points to herself.

"Right!"

"It reminds me of cappuccino"

"Why's that baby?"

"La-TEEN-OH .. cah-poo-cEEN-OH"

"I guess you're right. How do you know what cappuccino is?"

"Cuz I'm smart."

"You really are, baby."

I'm telling you, it's times like those that make all of the sleepless nights and all of the illnesses I've endured from having them sneeze and cough in my face and bearing all of PF's bullshit ... it's all worth it right then ...

When they seek you out and ask for a hug and say, "I just can't get enough of your hugs," you realize that in their eyes, Obama ain't got NUTHIN' on you.

Dear Santa:

Santa,

I made this here Christmas Wish List (and a special thanks to DUDE for offering a $5 Walmart card - I'm totally expecting it now, you know ... email me for the addy :-) and as Jaded does the internet gift equivalent of cock-blocking ... I've got to ask you to do something for me ...

Can you please define "good?"

Sincerely,

JACK Martinez

Things that irk JACK

Back in the day (when I was young and not a kid anymore) I was prone to say "hmmmm" a lot, because of that stupid song about 'things that make you go hmmm' and it occured to me recently that there's some new millenium shit that still makes me SMH. For instance, here are 5:

• People that create online dating profiles and don't care enough to proofread their shit. What's worse, I know that some fools are just as stupid as their profiles suggest. Like that one dude that signed off, "Duces!" (smh)
• I still can't stand the term "conversate," and while many people have come to realize it's not a word, it's been the bane of my existence for years and years. I still can't help myself from saying, "you know that's not a word, right?" every time I hear it. I don't care if it comes off as pretentious ... For the most part, it's the minorities that use it and I'm tired of us using terms that make us sound ridiculous when we're using them in order to sound intelligent! (smh)
• I know this one is TOTALLY self-serving because I have an affinity for Black men ... but I can't stand it when gay, Black men say they won't date out of their own race. rEaLy!? I mean, isn't being a minority within a minority a pain in the ass already that you want to limit yourself to that small little subset of people? rEaLy!? And let me tell ya ... I've dated a lot of Black men ... and, fellas ... the pickins are pretty slim. (smh)
• Sprint! Lawd have mercy - the mere image of their logo on a billboard or magazine advertisement sends my blood to boiling. I had them bitches for way too fucking long and all they did was fuck up my bill, give me shotty service ... and when I complained that the service in my own mother fucking house (a stone's throw from exit 9 on the interstate, mind you) was at about 1/3 of one bar ... they offered to sell me a contraption that would boost the signal in my house. Does my property look like commercial land you can raise up cell phone towers on? I dropped them and am with Verizon now. Didn't I ALREADY pay to get a damn signal? DIDN'T I?! (smh)
• Parents that curse at their children. I have nothing more to say on this one. (smh)

Oh, these are only 5, ok? This is NOT an exhaustive list.

Carry on.

Playa wit' no game

Look, if you’re going to call me boo and talk about how when you are going to hold me .. about how my head will just only gonna reach your chest … and how cute it is … and tell me about how cuddling is so important to you and if I like to cuddle …

You tryin’ to woo me.

When you tell me you’re too busy to come into the city to meet with me – you’re raising red flags.

But when you tell me you’re in the damn city and had dinner with a friend? You done fucked up your whole game, playa … the WHOLE game.

So after a few hours, I text the following: “Our last conversation got me confused. Well, pensive.”

How about my phone rings within mere minutes. Gee, I wonder who it is.

So, I bring up the obvious – and he admits that he’s talking to two other dudes.

But seriously – why the fuck couldn’t you just say that in the first place? I mean, it’s all good – for real, FOR REAL – it’s all good. Like, I’ve been talking to you and not exclusively …

But you know what’s funny? He never asked – it just has not even crossed his mind that this guy is expecting me to go to his place on Thursday night to get my birthday present … and is totally expecting some ass.

(Now, needless to say – this guy couldn’t get in the ass if I gave him a compass and a flashlight and took him there … but that’s besides the point)

… so why all the fucking mini-drama. Like, if you wanted me to know … why drop hints? And if you didn’t want me to know … why fuck up? I mean, come on … the playas playbook CLEARLY says not to talk to one cat when you’re with a different one. You don’t’ answer text messages, you don’t take or make calls … and you certainly don’t tell one that you had dinner with the other.

Was there an update to the playbook and no one told me?

Jack's Christmas List

Well, you know I ain't got no shame! I put out a wish list for my birthday - did you really think I'd skip Christmas!?

• An electric mattress pad. Not necessarily an electric blanket but I could always lay it on the mattress underneath the mattress pad. I'd like two - one for my bed in Indy and one for my bed in Chicago. Both are Queen sized beds.
• A comfortable bluetooth. Why do they make those things so damn annoyingly ill-fitting!?
• Any contribution towards paying my Spring '09 semester tuition ($800) - it will be my last payment to that place.
• A kick-ass set of headphones for my ipod - in black. I hate those ear buds.
• 180s - you know those earmuff things that wrap around the BACK of your head? Those. In black.
• Gas Cards - in any denomination. Driving back and forth between Indianapolis and Chicago is KILLING me.
• A set of those Barak Obama gold-plated coins. They're hot.
• Walmart gifts cards rule!
• Alarm clock radio that you plug your ipod into. So i can wake up to something other than that annoying blaring alarm clock buzzer.

Of course, I'm likely to get a chia pet and a homemade christmas card ... but I'm putting my list out there anyway.