Parenting Is Hard as Hell

Today my son told me he had a secret – he whispered in my ear that his sister had a boyfriend. His sister is 6. Needless to say, this was not news that made me happy, especially considering:

 They are both told that they are not to have boyfriends or girlfriends until they finish college. Obviously, this is unrealistic – but they understand that it isn’t an option right now
 We were on the playground with my friend and her kids and it wasn’t something I could deal with right away.

While that second one didn’t make me happy – it was for the best. Jack had come down off of the proverbial rafters quite a bit by the time I broached the subject some 4 hours later at the diner over dinner.

My daughter’s initial reaction was to yell at her brother for telling. Perhaps you agree – this was so not the issue. I argued that she has no idea who told me and that I wanted to just understand what was going on. So, she proceeds to tell me, reluctantly – at one point telling me that she really didn’t want to discuss this topic.

Well, people in hell don’t want to be all hot and shit, either – but we can’t all have what the fuck we want. So keep them pipes a-singin’ dammit!

Understanding that NOT telling was no longer an option – we chatted. He has black skin just like she does … he has black hair … they have a secret hiding spot … he’s not back at daycare until June …. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT – what was that last thing again? He’s not back in – NO DAMMIT, NOT THAT ONE … THE ONE BEFORE IT …

This secret hiding spot is behind the bookcase. At this point, JACK was ON FI-YAH, and I don’t mean like a flaming faggot, either … I mean, my temperature was through the mother fuckin roof, and I could’ve easily broiled a steak with my venomous breath! But you couldn’t tell … Like a duck, a was all nice and graceful on the surface even though I was paddling like HELL underneath …

So, what kinds of stuff do you do in your secret hiding spot, sweetie. “Well, we talk and read together.” He’s a year older than she is and I’m relieved at this response. Interestingly enough, my son is there and he makes it a point to tell me, “Daddy, I don’t have a girlfriend. I’m not allowed until I finish college.”

In an effort not to endanger his life when I wasn’t around and the two of them were alone together, I did NOT look at my daughter and say, SEE THIS, YOU LITTLE HEIFFER – THE *four* YEAR OLD KNOWS THE DAMN RULES! No, Jack simply said, “very good, son.” Remember, nice and graceful on the outside, Jack … NICE and gracefull.

So, the kids need to go potty and while they’re in there – I’m speed dialing their mom.

Soooooo – what are YOU doing?

Nothing. About to go over this friends house Why?

I have something to tell you.

Ok.

Your Daughter has a boyfriend.

What?!?!

Right

“Wait, WHAT?!?!?

Yuh, your son told me – and I just confronted her about it – and yup – it’s true.

WHAT?!?!?

It gets better.

Mhmm.

They have a secret hiding spot.

WHAT?!?!?

Right.

WHAT?!?!?!

And despite all of this – she’s upset ONLY because she’s afraid I’m going to tell you and she knows you’ll get mad.

*laughter through phone*

*quizzical look on Jack’s face, like she really did maybe lose her mind*

*laughter*

Ok, look, I’m thinking you need to come over here and we need to deal with this united.

*blah blah blah* (She can’t cuz her friend, blah blah blah)

Look, I’ve been fucking good with this – she’s not LIT up and I’m calmly dealing with this … Ya’ should be proud of me … but you gonna leave me to take this shit home to deal with alone?!?

Just ask her what’s the difference between a boyfriend and a friend who’s a boy and see where it goes so we know what she’s thinking.

Good idea.

Except it wasn’t such a good idea. Because I wasn’t prepared for the answer. Let me digress for a minute and admit to you that JACK goes absolutely blank whenever there’s an issue with that girl. I mean, with my son, I’m cool. But my daughter is so mother fucking smart, it’s scary. Valedictorian of all 6 year olds, it seems. And she be asking me some real off the wall shit and I just don’t know what to say. So, that I have managed to deal with this situation TO THIS CALIBER this far, is fucking amazing, ok? I mean, AMAZING. That girl will, at six years old will come out with some shit like, “I don’t necessarily agree with that daddy because ….”

And I usually just stare. Because she speaks that properly and I can’t join together the words with the six year old speaking them to me. I usually just stutter. So, this was a good idea in theory – because when I asked her, she said that the difference was with a boyfriend you talk about your emotions.

SHE’S FUCKING 6, PEOPLE!!!!!!! SIX!!!!!!!!

Um … so, what exactly does he say and do to help you? And what are you telling him?

Well, I tell him when I’m sad.

And what does he do?

He draws me a picture.

Ok, so this is all on a real-life six year old level. I get that. BOYFRIEND to her does not mean the same as it does to me (in many more ways than one) and I’m ok with that. But EMOTIONS?!?!? What to do, What to do … where’s the phone … can’t call .. what to do … what to do …

To be continued. I can’t anymore right now …