One Picture = 1,000 Words

MY LOVE LETTER

Dear Carbohydrate,

I’ve had my eye on you for years and am finally getting up the courage to tell you. I know this may be hard to believe, but I’ve secretly crushed on you my whole life. I know, I know – it sounds so cliché, but I’m so serious. Whenever you’re around, I just feel so safe, fulfilled, satisfied … happy. Just happy. And I think it’s about time you knew … Carbohydrate, I love you!

JACK

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

PS: Do you love me too?

___ Yes

___ No

___ Maybe

I just don't get it

I've learned a hard lesson - don't get caught up in no credit agreement with no nigga, no matter how long you've been dating. (So you can totally skip any comments on how STUPID a decision this was to make in the first place - I already know)

I just can't explain the decision THAT MOTHER FUCKER is making by not wanting to buy the car he's been driving for the last 18 months. The title, registration and insurance is in my name and he pays a "monthly" payment to me ("monthly" is the CP Time equivalent of monthly) and it's been more than 4 months since we called our relationship quits.

So, I let him know that he should get a loan or something to buy the car from me ... in fact, I didn't even name a price - I told him to make an offer. And I promise you, I was willing to accept 25% of what I owe on it to stop the madness - he just needed to make an offer. And I gave him three months to do it.

But no, it seems the mfer is squatting and now talking about small claims court to force me to honor our verbal contract. Really?!? Your stupid ass wants to continue to pay your ex-boyfriend for the car you drive?

I need some objectivity here - so, please feel free to comment. What is this shit about? Is he afraid to actually be self-sufficient? Is it something to hang on to the past with? Is he just lazy about trying to secure a loan? I don't understand - it's $2000 and even with the highest of interest rates, it's less than $100 a month on a 36-month term.

Um, you should know that I have fought court battles before, in family court re: child custody, and small claims court isn't at all scary to me. I'm just really, truly confused about what this man is really thinking - I just don't get it. He has no history of timely payments, there was never any discussion about doing this indefinitely and I've gotten emails about how he was in the hospital and didn't send a check, or was out of work and was on unemployment or that a money order was lost in the mail and it takes 60 days to cancel it. So, yuh - not afriad of small claims court if the stupid mfer wants to take it there.

Again - my issue is this:

REALLY?!?!??!?!??

Two birds, one stone

This is my homage to George Carlin ... and also to Jaded. She'll comment and you'll see why.





George, you was a funny mfer - sorry this was so late. If you're up above, put in a good word for me. Of course, the possibility is remote, but you can't blame a guy for trying.

Lions & Tigers and Bears, Oh My …

So, do you remember that date I went on? Well, if you didn’t read about it – please take a moment to do so now. Or don’t – I really don’t care.

Let me just recap by saying – it was an interesting date. And that since then, I made sure to point out to said date that I am NOT looking for a relationship but we can kick it. And he agreed. Sounds fine, right? I mean – It’s a win-win. I get some play and you get to shut up for a while. Right?

Well, it didn’t quite turn out that way … consider the following text convo:

JACK: Is grunting sexy?

JADED: To an ox, yes.

I was on the train and proceeded to laugh out loud all by myself and I’m sure I looked crazy. But I don’t care – it was funny. But I was asking because “during the do” this dude grunted periodically. Yes, GRUNTED. And this is a first for me … Don’t get me wrong, silent sex is ridiculous (leave that for the baseball players) and I’m all about turning up the volume … but, grunting?

GRUNTING?!?!?!!

I remember opening my eyes wide (probably with an eyebrow raised) and staring at the far wall for a second there because I thought it strange. But it happened several more times and I’ve learned the hard way

ANIMAL SOUNDS ARE NOT SEXY

So, please – PLEASE spread the word around. And let people know, because if the next mother fucker I bed starts to chirp like a canary, I’m seriously gonna call the ASPCA.

Thank you – that’s all.

Have you seen this poster?

This National Geographic photo does a little something for me. I don't know what it is: perhaps the perfect drape of the afghan over the arm of the chair, or the effortless blend of the elephant's trunk into the branches of the tree that would make you maybe miss the very existence of the elephant in the print if you didn't really, REALLY pay attention, or perhaps the masterful use of soothing shades of reds, oranges and yellows ... whatever it is, this print is one of the most amazing I have seen. And I want it.

It's title is AFRICAN SUNSET and it's by National Geographic. However, all I have been able to find is a wall mural that takes up 54 GODDAM square feet of wall space. Um, yeah - but NO.


So, I have had some trouble trying to find a print that is (ideally) about 3' X 5' (or whatever the proportions are) to hang in my living room. The colors are perfect (I just put up curtains) and I want this like, like ... like a panhandler wants a quarter.

"Excuse me, blog reader - can you help me out?"

My first Open Letter

Published at: http://news.yahoo.com/nphotos/Most-Emailed-Photos-huge-tornado-funnel-cloud-touches-down-Orchard-Iowa-Tuesday-June/ss/1756/im:/080613/480/da7c9d5f752c47d2a2d2866abfa3b12b

Is this picture:




by the associated press (did I credit enough?) with the following caption:
A huge tornado funnel cloud touches down in Orchard, Iowa, Tuesday, June 10, 2008 at 9:04 p.m. The Globe Gazette and Mitchell County Press News reported that Lori Mehmen of Orchard, took the photo from outside her front door. Mehmen said the funnel cloud came near the ground and then went back up into the clouds. Besides tree and crop damage, no human injuries were reported.
(AP Photo/Lori Mehmen)


Open Letter to Lori Mehmen:

Are you a stupid, crazy bitch or were you a kamikaze in a former life and are experiencing one of those weird “the former me is taking over the me I am today” phenomena? Let me tell you how MY people do when there’s a tornado:

We run like mother fuckers, knock over children and the elderly even, and we get our asses in the basement. What we don’t do is stroll on inside, grab the Kodak and head to the front door. You’re white, aren’t you?

If Darwinism is at all true, we’ll be rid of your stupid ass in no time – meanwhile, for the love of GOD, don’t have children.

Thanks.

JACK