I no e-speek-a inn-gleesh

When some people try to speak Spanish who don't really know it ... it's kinda like this:



I'm not naming ANY names - I'm just saying. Please. Stop.

Thank you

Merriam-Webster, Eat your heart out

I'm not one to give plugs (I mean the publicity kind, by the way), but one of the things I have been doing since I was in college is making up words and laughing my ass off at how ridiculous I can be. And throughout my adult life (go figure), I have been doing so with various people who find it fun. I can't even remember some of the ridiculousnesses I've come up with (that's one of them) and some of them were REALLY, REALLY good. JADED stole some of them in a recent post, that I'm too lazy to link to, so I can't very well use those ... so, let me see.

Oh, one time a friend and I made up a whole new religion. And we called ourselves APATHOLICS. And we agreed that we would never tell anyone the tenets of our faith because we just didn't care to. Once when we went out on a smoke break, some dump truck or semi or something drove by on the state route on the other side of the retention pond from us and used his air brakes to slow down (I *hate* it when truckers do that, by the way!) and she quickly turned to me and said, "Doesn't he know that we're apatholics? I don't care for all that noise."

And so it goes - for the most part, it's just fun and we always say we need to start writing some of these things down ... but as apatholics ... right.

Anyway, I came across this Website and just laughed and laughed ... because someone actually did it. Maybe it's old news and you've already seen it ... but I just think it's great that we all make up words and that I'm not some freak (or cheap, crabby whore, as it were).

Anyway - so I thought I would share - because I'm wont to sharing, that's why! Because even though I don't care to wake up at the same time every day, or be on time to work on a regular basis, or shower every day ... I still like sharing. So stop judging. I don't care for that either!

Be careful posting things you want credit for, though - the fine print is that yoru entry may become the property of U.D. ... if you don't care - have fun!

... and let them know JACK sent you (because that and two bucks will get you on the red line in Chicago)

I just FEEL different

Take a look around - things have changed.

I've finally gotten off my ass to do something about this place - it was your run of the mill blog and it needed a coat of paint.

I actually accepted a request to babysit a 4 month old. Seriously - he's right there *points* Now relax, the little nigga is sleeping. I would never blog, totally ignoring him if he were awake and wanting attention. No, instead, I would totally change his diaper, lace his formula with benedryl and make sure he was fed REAL good. But I wouldn't blog.

Actually, he's just such a great baby. He's just low maintenance. He'd have to be if I agreed, ok? But he's happy, loves to laugh and talk and is all in all ... like I said ... a great baby. His mom and dad wanted a night out, a date. So, what the hey - I've got my own two kids with me and it's not like I'm at the bar with the dude who just called me to tell me he was going out because he finally had some free time and it's not like I am out getting laid like I so would if I met up with him tonight. No, alas - I'm home with three kids.

See - responsible JACK.

And, of course - I painted the blog up a bit this evening too. So, two birds - one stone ... Oh, did I tell you that I'm taking an independent study and should probably have been reading this textbook, but instead I was shalacking up the blog?

See - responsible, procrastinating JACK.

(NOT cheap, crabby-ass whore JACK)... Mhmm, Yuh - you know who you are!

Am I on Candid Camera

Well, I've always said it's easier to meet men online, at least for me. Maybe it has to do with the fact that the gay stigma in the Black and Latino communities still lags behind the 'mainstream,' but for whatever reason ... the type of person I would be interested in would never really be OUT and about. So, online it is. The pseudo-anonymity that the internet provides is the perfect place for gay Black and Latino men to really be themselves, especially if they aren't yet comfortable with their sexuality or are "DL."

Interesting thing about DL is this: gentlemen, if you actually post a picture of yourself on these Web sites, you're not really DL. Just thought you should know.

But anyway, I haven't exactly been successful at finding THAT ONE while meeting men online. So, I pretty much accepted that it was a way to make friends and really it's been working. I've met two people in the new city I live in that are friendly and all and really, most of my gay friends I met online ... but you know how the old addage goes, when you stop looking for it, you find it.

So, I'm a little bit confused by how I feel about my latest date. I really like him. And the thing is that I totally went into it expecting him to have a peg leg. Or something. I really did. As a matter of fact, on our first date, I actually asked him if he had a block of wood shoved into his shoe.

He's a 6'3" Black professional who showep up in a button down shirt and a pair of slacks. I was impressed by that - no fitted, no strut, no kicks with funky colors or any other of those things that I typically associate with teenagers and grown men who refuse to grow up. So, call me crazy - I like the professional look. I wouldn't say he's model-esque, but handsome in his own right and the more we talked, the more attractive he became. It was actually quite bizzare.

This shit doesn't happen - does it? I mean, the last two people I met were THE OX and BETTY CROCKER (because his eye wandered off into the Kitchen ... keep up) and so why WOULDN'T I be expecting this 6'3" hunk of a man to be referred to as SOFT SHOE?!?!

But, look - he calls me several times everyday ... once calling me to tell me he had to attend a business meeting with his coworkers and couldn't talk but wanted me to know he was thinking about me.

Excuse me ... Lord? Stop fucking with me, ok? This better not be some game. Because my name ain't Job.

So, what else - he travels a lot for work and has felt like dating people doesn't last when they figure out his work schedule. Oh, right - I live in one city and work in another and in August, I have two four day trips, one to Nashville and one to Orlando. (HEEEEYYYYY, BOO BOOOOO!) So, no problem there. I get it. Off you go.

And the reality is that traveling keeps you apart and helps keep things going ... and truth be told, sometimes JACK just needs you to get the fuck out my face. Go workey - AHORA!

Oh, he has two kids and he's raising them. As does JACK.

I told him that my kids are number one in my life and they will always take precedence over any nigga I date ... and he concured that I should and said he feels the same about his kids.

So, he's been having a string of bad days and I sent him an e-card to cheer him up but he hasn't picked it up yet. No points for me right now. But I did tell him today that I am really enjoying getting to know him and he said, "awwwww."

Isn't that just the SWEETEST response? (Or is it normal and Im' just obviously smitten?)

But anyway - he proceeded to explain how that the fact that I understand his work life and dad life makes him feel so comfortable around me.

Obviously, the fact that I'm easy on the eyes doesn't hurt. We gon' have to work on that one so he throws those bits in there like he gonna have to do hereto unto forever.

And, folks, JACK really doesn't want to bother with any of those other niggas he knows, some who stand in the background and appear only when I decided I need a jump off. Right, even them - no interest. I don't even want them calling or contacting me so that I don't have to explain ... but I got GREAT advice from one of my BESTEST friends ever who said to just make excuses like I'm busy with work or have other plans without actually having to tell them that I'm pursuing another nigga. So, just in case SIX-FOOT-THREE and I don't work out I don't lose the network I've worked so hard to put together.

And before you call me nuthin but a fast, crabby whore - I'll have you know that I haven't had intercourse since February and I was in a committed relationship with my ex- at the time ... and to boot, it was with HIM! Jump offs usually just mean, "touch me and get this out my system but don't expect me to touch you or take you in or otherwise please you." Funny thing is - there're tons of niggas out there who are ok with that. So, why the hell not?! but i'm not a fast, crabby whore!

So, in short - I just can't believe it. I simply can't. Of course, he lives three hours away ... and conveniently I have two home 3 hours apart ... and it's a perfect triangle because it's three hours from each of my places. So, the distance may be an issue - but I am remembering that several years ago I was hell bent on finding someone who isn't local so that I don't have to involve the kids ... and letting go of that and introducing them to my ex- was a big FLOP. So, maybe it's for the good.

Well, that's it for now - stay tuned.

Ah yes - Jesse needs a set of nuts ...

I've been prompted to weigh in on the topic, and indeed I thought I would, but didn't. But ALRIGHT you twisted my arm.

I see a myriad of issues with Jesse Jackson's comment, chief among them that the fucking idiot would assume that that microphone right there ... *pointing* ... yes that one ... would be set to the off position. Assuming the man ever did have common sense, where did it go? For instance, let's consider the following footage:



I'm not sure if you bothered to watch it all the way through, but if you didn't ... speed it right up to about 00:04:58 ... it's off topic, but still it's funny as hell.

Anyway let's see what happened here ... hmmmmm, the media is present. Yes - yes they are. There are cameras and microphones ... yes - yes there are. And all of them seem to be working, evidenced by the fact that you can HEAR everything and there is an almost incessant flashing of lights. Proooobably from the camera. Hmmmmmm ... the folks behind the cameras and the microphones are THE MEDIA. yes - yes they are. And hmmm, let me see ... ONE OF THEM GETS HIS FOOT CAUGHT BETWEEN BRITNEY'S PIRELLI TIRES AND THE PAVEMENT ALL FOR THE SAKE OF EXERCISING HIS RIGHT TO FREEDOM OF PRESS!!!!

Now, what does the media do at about 00:04:58? Oh, they turn the cameras to the nigga that got his damn foot run over and start asking HIM to speak into the mic.

Cut to Jesse Jackson in front of a mic ....

IDIOT!IDIOT!IDIOT!IDIOT!IDIOT!IDIOT!IDIOT!IDIOT!IDIOT!


Secondly, Jesse Jackson's son WORKS ON THE OBAMA CAMPAIGN! So, let me see - if I publicly insult this person who my son supports ... yuh, that's not going to cause any family rift. And that's probably a really good predication considering his son's PUBLIC response to his dad's words:

"Reverend Jackson is my dad and I'll always love him. He should know how hard I've worked for the last year and a half as a national co-chair of Barack Obama's presidential campaign. So, I thoroughly reject and repudiate his ugly rhetoric. He should keep hope alive and any personal attacks and insults to himself."

Oh, did I fail to mention his son was the CO-CHAIR of Obama's national presidential campagin. Oh, well he was. Now remember ... the mic is sitting RIIIITTTTE there.

Thirdly, the comment itself. Castration? You want to castrate Obama? So he won't procreate ... or because you need a set of your own? Or, Sir, do you need so personal a mantle piece to honor the black man who is doing now what you couldn't do in 88? You know, I'm just asking .....

FURTHERMORE, don't get me started on the historical significance of castrating black men! After you cut off his nuts, you'll probably want to deny him a seat on any bus and why not just call him a house n***er right to his face? He *is* a little lighter than you and, who cares ... the mic right there - right, the one RIIIITTTTEEE there - probably isn't working anyway. The media really isn't THAT insane, is it?

Of all the things I've read - I really like these two articles:

Washington Post
Here, we see how his son really feels.

AOL News
Now this one I really like - it analyzes how Jackson's remarks are likely to give Obama a bit of a boost in the polls.

In closing - I would like to say this, Mr. Jackson. I'm not calling you Reverend Jesse Jackson anymore. Mr. Jackson, or Jesse Jackson ... but you really don't deserve to be revered or so respected. Your apology should have been very simple ... I'm sorry I said that, I don't know what I was thinking, I really don't mean it ... etc. etc. etc. but it was riddled with explaining why you disagree with one of Obama's stances or another. Seriously, Mr. Jackson - you're old news and nobody much cares what you think anymore. So save it. How's that for freedom of speech?

Incidentally, if you need balls, grow your own already.

JACK

my favorite things

It's occured to me that I really do have a slew of sayings that I pretty much made up, or stole from someone for my own edification, and that if you don't know me - these JACK-isms just kinda don't make sense. So, here are a few of my favorite things to say:


Y YA!

Literally translated, this pretty much means AND ENOUGH ALREADY! I use this at the end of any tirade - it usually means that I really, really am fed up and really, really mean what I just said.


WERK!

Obviously, I had to spell it my way ... but this is how I've polished and revived the "Girl, you betta WORK!" colloquialism that RuPaul created. Obviously, the RuPaul era is way over ... kinda like Wayne Brady's, except that RuPaul isn't a game show host ... but the sentiment behind his cat walk talk is very much alive and well in Jackville. In modern day talk ... Jack simply says WERK! And it's not just about runway walks. It's pretty much about anything I get excited about and that exudes the diva/bitch feel. Yes, "WERK!" is much more versatile than RuPaul. (Pun intended)


Punctuation

I'm fond of the dash - it pretty much shows up in everything I write ... unless it's for work and Ihave to be professional. But you can tell that the ellipsis is my friend too ... it's just one of those things that I do that conveys a very simple fact: the stream of consciousness that leaks from my fingertips onto the keyboard has no hard pauses, such to be fit for an actual period, or semicolon - no, it's all happening so fast that its manifestation in print is the glaring under-represented presence of periods in most of the things I write.


Nicknames

Very few people in my world have formal names. Everyone has a nickname. For instance, I'm JACK! (Crazy, I know). And Jaded is Jaded. Here are a few nicknames we've given people (we, being me and jaded et. al.)

babe, the blue ox
46
Cabron (C, for short)
cabroncito (c, for short)
THAT mother fucker (also known as g in other circles)
PF (this is still my favorite of all time)
Toothless
The Haitian (and the only reason I add this one to the list is because it cracks me up that we say it like he's the only person ever from Haiti - and as I sit here and think about it, wouldn't people from Hades also be called Haitian?)


SONOMABISH!

I reserve this for times when I totally get blindsided and look like a damn idiot. For instance, if I were to attend a wedding dressed as a jester in order to clown on the bride and groom (again, just FOR INSTANCE) ... and then got there only to find out that I was wearing the wedding colors and fit right in ... I would stand there in awe and say "SONOMABISH!" Like that.



I can't really think of anymore right now - but this is a good start and I'm sure it covers all the majors ... feel free to ask any questions. Or don't - I don't care ... I'll just sit here mumblin SONOMABISH over and over again like a mantra ... that's what I'll do.

Excuse me, Sir - but I'm over HERE

I haven't had the best of luck meeting men online - and you would think I would've learned my lesson by now, especially considering this post, that I am one of a minuscule percentage of normal men who date online. I really am ...

And if you didn't go to that post (shame on you), then you should know that the second thing on my list of things that are suspect in the online dating profiles of men is:

Sunglasses: This one really bugs me. I mean, it's night time and there aren't really any bright lights (like the sun) anywhere and yet you insist on wearing shades. Yes, this is a definite sign of a lazy eye.

So, I'm talking to this one dude and he invites himself over to my place. Actually, I have nothing going on and so I send all of the personally identifying information I have of him to Jaded because she's in charge of avenging my death if I should turn up dead after meeting up with someone I got to know online.

**we interrupt this program for this public service announcement**

If you are going to meet someone, ANYONE, even in a public place ... you must always give all of the personally identifying information you have on said person (name, age, stats, screen name [and on what service] phone number, etc) to a third party with whom you will check in with after the meeting has ended. In addition - you MUST, within the first hour, somehow work into the conversation the fact that you've done this so that said person knows his/her personally identifiable information is at the ready for any law enforcement authority in charge of scooping your bloated, lifeless body out of the river

**now back to our regularly scheduled programming, already in progress**

So, he arrives at my apartment and he looks nothing like what I wanted him to look like. His pictures were WAY better. During the evening, his left eye wanders over into the kitchen, AS IF I WAS IN THE KITCHEN! Well, I wasn't - I was sitting right there in front of him. And then it hit me ... he posted two pics, one was a side view and in the other, he wore shades.

DAMMIT! How did I write the fucking rules up in that post (you still haven't clicked ont hat link to read it, haven't you?) and just totally get blindsided by this one right here (pun intended).

DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT.

And now, I've got nothing left to do but stare at his eye. But then I shouldn't, so I don't - but I want to ... and then I'm playing a game, betting on which direction his left eye will head next. Seriously, how do you ignore this:





Please don't misunderstand me - I know there's nothing you can do about it. But don't fucking stroll up into my house, acting like you the hottest thing since Hades was conjured up in the minds of some cardinals trippin on 'shrooms, trying to woo me and shit AS IF you didn't have a mother fucking lazy eye!!!!!

Seriously, that's some shit you need to tell someone before you meet them. A simple, "if my eye wanders, ignore it - it wanders." And then I wouldn't care that your eye is a nomad. But if you're gonna SURPRISE me with it ... well, guess what ... I'm gonna dance around the room and keep asking "can you see me now?"

Y YA!