Weekend at JACK's

This weekend with the kids was excellent, with its typical highs and lows. I told the kids that we would be putting up the tree this weekend and so as soon as I picked them up on Friday night, it was "tree, tree, tree BLA BLAH BLAH tree, tree, tree."

Ok, this weekend meant over the weekend, not on Friday - that didn't go over well. Neither did the fact that I had made a huge bowl of spaghetti for dinner. Whatever - the Martinez Family mantra fit here: "you git' what you git' and you don't throw a fit!"

(cuz I'll wear you out)

At any rate, our Friday tradition is to have a slumber party. That is, everyone sleeps in the living room, we engorge on popcorn and stay up as late as we can. However, Friday was a bit different ... I left them on the couch and went to sleep in my own bed. See, I made the unfortunate mistake of taking the wrong dose of one of my meds (as in I took three pills instead of one - don't ask) and I ended up so damn tired I couldn't deal. The next morning, my daughter is trying to wake me up to get the tree started and I pretty much came out my face ... "GET OUT MY ROOM!"

When I finally got up, I realized it was snowing. How nice ... we got out all the decorations and got to putting the tree together. I don't do live trees anymore - I no longer see the point. You go out in the cold, you find a tree you have to tie to your car only to get it home and untie is and then you have to get it in the house and stand it up and get underneath it to readjust it and then you gotta remember to fucking water it!

Look, I'm so beyond bringing additional things into my house that need to be taken care of - I apply this rule to men, and by God it applies to plant life. (Don't give me flowers thinking it's cute, dammit! It's another thign to take care of! no, thanks!)

So, we get the tree up and dress it up in our traditional white lights, silver and red ornaments and silver and red garland. And then, we head off to buy our stockings and ornaments. Every year, we all pick out a new ornament just for traditions' sake. My daughter gets the princess stocking, I get one with a reindeer on it and my son gets one that (I'm not lying) three mother fucking feet long! I couldn't deny him the damn stocking - that smirk of his lit up his eyes so damn cute-like that he had me hook, line and sinker.

Oh, and we placed the mistletoe in the door way into the living room. There were so many kisses flying around this weekend ....

The REAL pregnant man

We were laying down on the couch and my daughter was laying on my belly. She pats it, looks up at me and with a very serious daddy's girl look in her eyes asks me, "are you pregnant?"

I'm definitely on my diet again. I had a meal replacement shake for breakfast and have some protein bars here at my desk. You know it's serious when a little girl thinks her dad is pregnant.

I could so rock that demi post over there. (Vanity Fair, August 1991 ... that is, this ain't my picture!)

The British are coming!

While watching some retarded movie where a guy loses his watch in the cavity of a turkey and somehow gets his head stuck in it while trying to retrieve it, I say, "is he stupid or something?"

My daughter: "uuuh, he's from London."

JACK: "oh"

I left the room to laugh uproariously.

Daddy's boy

That boy of mine totally has my heart. A very touching moment as he's getting ready to leave for his mother's house ... he comes to me all pouty-like and says he really like being at daddy's house. I said he wold be back with me on Friday and a very forlorn "ok" followed.

Eventually, that boy gon' choose to live with me. Mark my words.

He's all mine.

MUAUAUAUUAUUUUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH [evil scientist laugh]